Announcer: Welcome once again to The Reparation Game. This week the show comes from the luxury Egyptian resort of Sharm El Sheikh and takes place in the presence of tens of thousands of dignitaries who have joined us from all corners of the planet. Let’s give a big welcome to your host António Guterres! [Applause]
António: Nice to see you . . . to see you . . .
António: Please give a big hand to my co-host, the lovely Christiana Figueres! Give us a twirl, Christiana!
Christiana: Get lost, you sexist pig! [Laughter]
António: This evening we have two couples, one from Africa and the other from Asia, who have flown here to play The Reparation Game. [Applause] Give a wave to the audience!
Our first game is to see how many gold bars you can fit into the boot of a Mercedes in sixty seconds . . .
and lovely Christiana has the results.
Christiana: Stop calling me lovely, you Portuguese perv. [Laughter]
António: Congratulations, Africa, you just edged it there, with your twenty bars.
Didn’t they do well? [Applause]
In this next game the winning team will be the first to persuade a gullible politician to give you a billion pounds.
The teams each have the chance to speak to a young chap called Rishi who made a last-minute dash to get here. WEF thank you, Rishi! I mean, we thank you, Rishi! Autocues . . . merda! [Laughter]
So, Christiana, how did they get on?
Christiana: Well, António, it took Asia 11 seconds to persuade Rishi (pause), but Africa did it in five! [Applause]
António: Remarkable! I hope you’re playing this at home, but it’s harder than it looks.
What are the scores on the board, Christiana?
Christiana: Asia have 15 points and Africa have 23. Congratulations, Africa! [Applause]
António: Africa, you really showed us how it’s done. Here’s your cheque for £11billion. Now, before you go, how many things can you remember from the conveyor belt?
Africa: Oh, a cuddly toy, a freezing pensioner, a closed factory, expensive groceries, domestic violence, alcoholism, lots of dangerous drugs, docile voters, useless politicians and a worthless pound . . . oh dear, can I have my prize in dollars, and I’ll just keep the cuddly toy?
António: Good game, good game! Thank you, contestants, thank you the love – I mean thank you, Christiana, and an especial thanks to you, the wonderful audience, who have generously donated your time and other people’s money to make this show possible.
I look forward to seeing you all again next year in the eco-friendly city state of Dubai. Don’t worry, you can drink in the hotels!