Thursday, April 25, 2024
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Doctor Luvvie’s Casebook


A SPECIAL edition of Doctor Finlay’s Casebook is to be made by the BBC to persuade the elderly to take the Covid-19 booster. Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite, known to readers as the ‘Jabbing Actor’, contacted TCW Defending Freedom to relate the details of his latest audition.

‘I had just returned to my flat after delivering two Big Macs with chicken nuggets, extra fries and a large Coke to an obese young ruffian in Wembley. He had been given free meal vouchers after waddling to the library to take his first jab. As he grabbed his snack, he grunted something about the need to look after his health. 

‘I picked up a voicemail from my agent, Irene. She told me to drop everything and get to BBC Scotland’s Pacific Quay Studios in Glasgow. They were having auditions for Doctor Finlay’s Casebook. It’s a one-off special to persuade old people to get their first six-monthly booster to stave off the dreaded you-know-what.

‘It came as no surprise that I should be considered for such a prestigious production. Ever since my spectacular and grisly death at Bannockburn as an extra in Braveheart, I have expected the call to return to the land of the heather, sporran and claymore. I distinctly remember Mel Gibson remark, after the fallen members of the cast picked themselves up from the mud, ‘A schplendid schene. Schwell done efferybody’. I have no doubt he had my beautiful but terrifying demise in mind as he slurred his moving panegyric.

‘I also recall the day at Rada, when dear Johnny Gielgud came on a scouting expedition to observe our production of Brigadoon, in which I played a shallow yet complex Angus McGuffie. Sir John pointed in my direction and I distinctly heard him say, ‘I do like the way that young man rolls his Rs’.

‘The following day, as the train swept northward, I honed my Scottish brogue“Och aye the noo Janet”; “dinnae forgeat tae wear yer mask”; “That spleen wull hae tae come oot”; “A’m feart ye wull need regular boosters, Mrs McTavish, we hae tae dae whit Pfizer tell us!” and “Dinna fash yirsel aboot they palpitations”.

‘Imagine my shock and horror when, on arriving at the studio, I was told to don an apron to audition for a non-speaking role as a shop assistant in Campbell’s Butchers in Tannochbrae! It seems that all the main roles were earmarked for double-jabbed, paraplegic people of colour from the LBGTQ+ community.

‘I have never been so insulted since that talentless lickspittle Tristram told me my flounce ‘did not come from the heart’ during rehearsals for Mother Goose in Basingstoke.

‘I am waiting to hear if I passed the audition. But I can tell you this! If Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite is not included in this production, the roll-out of these new boosters has absolutely no chance of success.’

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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