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Don’t worry, Chatty will never bat for the other side


OUR Man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton MP, has once again felt impelled to write to his constituents about contemporary affairs. In recognition of its commitment to truth, transparency and decency he is happy for TCW Defending Freedom to publish his correspondence. Sir Charles has represented the people of Greater Tittleham since entering Parliament in 1966. He is an Assistant Under Secretary at the Department for Transport.

I apologise for writing to you again so soon but I appreciate that you may be disconcerted about reports concerning the behaviour of some of my fellow Parliamentarians. 

One such is a portly fellow named Wallis. I must confess that although he has been in the House for over two years I have only just noticed him (or is it her?) It appears that after an unfortunate series of events he has decided to become a woman. 

Also in the news is a bounder by the name of Warburton. He’s another chap who seems to have gone completely off the rails, and was photographed proudly presiding over what appeared to be a large quantity of illegal drugs.

I am pleased to reassure you that your humble representative has never had the slightest inclination to bat for the other side, nor has he been tempted to indulge in any intoxication stronger than McGonagall’s 12-Year-Old Single Malt (‘Distilled on the banks of the Spey, a dram or twa will mak’ yer day’). I was deterred from over-indulgence by memories of my grandfather’s cousin Spencer. He was once a bright young thing who was expected to marry an Austrian princess and become the ruler of a small state in the Balkans. Unfortunately, he became over-fond of laudanum, invested his fortune in dirigibles and spent the last few years of his brief existence living in a cave in Almeria selling donkey droppings to local tomato growers to feed his addiction. Such is life!

I do despair at the standard of the intake over recent years. Central Office seems to want bland obedient puppies who will follow any asinine instruction that comes from the Whips’ Office: ‘Put your masks on . . . take your masks off, sit apart . . . sit together . . . do the Hokey Cokey.’ (Warburton seems to have taken the latter too literally). They act like children. Most of our lot would be better off sitting with the Greenies or Liberals, not that there is any difference between any of the poor-quality bluffers that infest the House these days.

I know some of you will have been disturbed by the recent decision by the ever-more-distressing Ms Truss to donate an ambulance from the Tittleham Hospital Trust to the Ukraine. I have protested that this is particularly ill-timed given the increasing number of reports I hear of unpleasant symptoms following the Covid inoculations. One such victim is my dear Lady Veronica who, despite my advice, took a so-called ‘booster’ injection last month and now finds herself attracted to metallic objects.

I am sure that very few, if any, of you will have watched television programmes made by an operation called Channel 4. It came as a surprise to me that this organisation is funded by the taxpayer. Not before time it is to be sold off. I think it was that lot who wanted to film a programme called Naked Morris Dancing on the Tittleham Estate. The thought of large bearded gentlemen wearing silly hats wielding their large sticks around on the Capability Brown lawns made me quite ill. Of course, I gave them short shrift.

My secretary, Catherine, and I will shortly be embarking on a Parliamentary fact-finding mission to Madeira to investigate the possibility of establishing banana plantations on the Scilly Isles. Unfortunately, this means that we will miss the annual egg-rolling competition on Nelson’s Mound in the Hall grounds. However, Lady Veronica has kindly agreed to officiate as long as she can detach herself from her Range Rover.

Your faithful servant and indefatigable champion of all Tittleham residents 

Sir Charles Chatterton MP

Tittleham Hall
Middle Tittleham

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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