IN Part 1 of the Dysbrexia Report we identified the condition as a form of panic-driven word blindness. In Part 2 we identified the damage that sufferers cause.
Here, we shall explore options for a cure to the crippling condition.
Dysbrexics can’t process the word ‘democracy’. They know it starts with ‘demo’ and rhymes with ‘look at me!’
Dysbrexics don’t understand the word ‘directive’. They think it’s about selective reaction to US presidents. If a Clinton bombs a country, that’s good. If Trump has a bad hair day, that’s Hitler.
Dysbrexics can’t process the word ‘accountability’. Or any awkward questions. It evokes a stammering, blushing, rising sense of panic. ‘Don’t embarrass me,’ their eyes will plead, ‘you’re twisting my bourgeoisie.’
Remainiacs have got only one song. They panic and go the full Pastor Niemoller. in every debate.
Dysbrexia is dangerous because it devalues real tragedies, and equates the Holocaust with its sufferers’ most trivial inconveniences. They’re no more likely to complain about backroom deals and corruption than they would if a Parisian waiter took a dump on their plate. ‘Everything’s just fine, Mr Juncker,’ they’d simper, ‘I’m loving the dessert.’
They’d rather die of ignorance. If the maître d′ actually wanted some honest feedback, he’d have to Heimlich Manoeuvre it out of a dysbrexic.
These are early days for dysbrexia studies, a hitherto unknown social condition.
Here’s what we do know.
Dysbrexia is a form of bourgeois social panic that affects bien pensant social groups which we are only now beginning to classify. Those identified so far include the Condescenti, the Poser Nostra (common in the media), the Democracy Deniers (House of Commons), Remainiacs (Starbucks), the Projectionists (BBC comedy panel shows), Strasbourg Syndrome Sufferers and the Non Sequitur Set. The classification of each individual depends how far gone they are on the Dysbrexic Spectrum.
Famous dysbrexics include Owen Jones (a non-sequitur socialist), Vince Cable (the King Cnut of global warming) and Gina Miller (one of the crapo di tutti crappi of the Condescenti).
Many of them manage to get paid gigs, despite their lack of comprehension skills. In fact, it’s a positive advantage for a broadcast media career, where listening is not a required skill. Notorious Poser Nostra dysbrexic James O’Brien earns his fortune as a toxic tourism destination. The foaming fulminator erupts at 10 am every day on LBC, issuing a stream of hot air, foul distortions and inaccuracies. It’s questionable whether his circus ringmaster bosses should be cashing in on this anti-social behaviour.
Imagine the moral choices of a job where you are making ad revenue out of divisity. How do these ghouls sleep at night? In coffins or hanging upside down in a belfry, perhaps.
Nick Clegg is employed as an exhibit on a global freakshow called Facebook, a tax-avoiding travelling circus, for whom he displays an amazingly straight face on the most implausible claims. Audiences gasp – in horror mostly – at his audacity!
Tomorrow: What to do if a friend or relative suffers from this crippling condition.