WITH the appointment of Sue Gray to Sir Keir Starmer’s top team, TCWDF has been sent some confidential emails.
Dear Sir Keir, I hope you won’t mind me contacting you via email, but I wonder if there might be a position available within the Labour party for someone of my talent?
I would appreciate a swift response and request that you use my private email address as above.
Hello Sue, thanks for reaching out to me. The Labour party are always on the lookout for individuals with aptitude who can make a valuable and positive contribution to our organisation 😉👍 We are currently underrepresented by biological females, so you have a head start already!
Whilst we are not actively recruiting currently, perhaps you could you give me a little more detail about what relevant experience you have?
Dear Sir Keir
Thank you for your mail and replying so promptly, I can only imagine how busy you must be at the moment. As far as previous employment is concerned, I have enjoyed a variety of posts within the Whitehall system and am therefore familiar with ‘how things work’.
I was fortunate to have been closely involved in ethics and matters of probity relating to political appointments. Discretion, truth, impartiality, honesty and uprightness are values that I hold dear, I am widely recognised for these attributes. In the village that we all work in, I am acknowledged as being a team player, and someone who can be relied on in a crisis.
Most recently I was tasked with overseeing a small investigation, which the media, in typical style, called ‘Partygate’. 🎉🎉😂😂
I like the sound of you! Having talked this over with Rachel we think there would certainly be merit in you and I having a face-to-face meeting. ‘Partygate’ – who can forget such a disgraceful and shaming spectacle, any other gossip about it?
Hi Sir Keir,
Not really gossip as such, you know what Ministers are like🙈🙉🙊!
The mass of hastily drafted legislation was bewildering, especially with Matt Hancock making things up on the hoof, the rule of six or the two metre guide, it was crazy, I think even you were caught out by ‘Currygate’ 🤔LOL!
By the by, it later transpired that whilst the UK population was being fined and imprisoned for contravening these laws, the legislators were ignoring them wholesale. Parties, get-togethers, celebrations, merrymaking, festivities, revelry, leaving do’s, birthday drinks, anniversaries etc had all been taking place both on and in Government property. Naturally, in hindsight, some individuals felt that these optics were less that satisfactory and that some atonement was called for. It was thought best if there was some type of investigation into these shenanigans (not least by the pressure you brought to bear) and I oversaw this 🕵️♀️🕵️♀️.
I interviewed many staff and Cabinet ministers to better grasp what had occurred and who knew what. As an impartial Whitehall mandarin, I quickly established that the venal Tory party under the woeful non-existent guidance of PM Johnson, had forced people into food banks, destroyed the NHS, underfunded schools, the military, collapsed the economy, ruined our relationship with the magnificent European Union and generally were only interested in protecting the very rich in society. I also discovered quite by accident that wine, beer and crisps were served once in the garden at No 10. All of this was included in my neutral and dispassionate report.
Hope this is useful,
Great to hear from you again and thanks for your take on Partygate – wow, must have been quite a trying time for you, but you handled it brilliantly 😎 LOL!
I genuinely think that you will be a perfect fit into our close-knit team. Labour celebrates integrity and loyalty – which you very obviously have in spades. Let’s try and hook up in the next week to flesh out a suitable package and I look forward to the day when I can say ‘Welcome comrade’!!