Saturday, April 10, 2021
HomeCOVID-19Exclusive! Your cut-out-and-keep guide to the new Covid rules

Exclusive! Your cut-out-and-keep guide to the new Covid rules

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IT’S G for go and F for freedom as brave Boris unveils a radical roadmap to kickstart society.

OUT! go all those tiresome rules and regulations that have stopped us enjoying ourselves.

IN! come a range of fantastic new guidelines – guaranteed to put the fun into furlough.

Make no mistake, our popular PM has skirmished with scientists and argued with immunologists to bring about a monumental victory that observers are already comparing to VE Day. But what exactly do the new rules mean for the man in the street? Here is a handy guide to make sure you get most out of the new freedoms.

HOLIDAYS

Happy days are here again! Now you can plan where to go and what to do. Under the new relaxed guidelines our experts can wholeheartedly recommend a week away admiring your window box.

This often overlooked ‘jewel in the crown’ of vacation hotspots has much to recommend it. Free from the troublesome ‘push and shove’ of fellow holidaymakers, you can gaze in solitary wonderment as the breeze caresses the verdant foliage. Cast away your worries, recline on a lounger, sip a long drink and watch the sun set across the lush daffodils and hyacinths. Best of all, you can insouciantly let your mask down over your nose. Early booking highly recommended, no vaccination certificate required (subject to change).

PUBS

It’s ‘bottoms up’ and three cheers for Boris and Matt as we are allowed to leave our homes once more for that most traditional of British pastimes – stare at your local. Celebrate the hospitality of the pavement and gaze at the shuttered windows and barred doors. Let your imagination run riot and visualise the fun that you could be enjoying. Pints and peanuts, friends and frivolity – all ‘off limits’. With many locals set to be shut for good, this is sure to be one leisure activity that will be a regular fixture for pub aficionados. Take-away cans recommended and social distancing to be observed.

CARE HOMES

It’s ‘hats off to Hancock’ as families can once more take part in a much-loved British ritual. Treasured ones have been locked away for far too long, starved of the most basic human need – company. Thanks to this Government’s bold initiative, we have been re-introduced to the quaint ‘held hand’. This largely abandoned gesture will more than compensate for hugging and kissing. Marvel at the ease with which you can obtain a pre-visit Covid test, laugh as you struggle with the requisite PPE and finally relish the all-encompassing experience of hand-holding – a year of separation will be well worth it for this moment. Only one visitor allowed and latex gloves still recommended.

MIXING

Bish bash bosh! This is the ‘big one’ and Boris has not let us down. Many naysayers predicted that it would not be possible yet battling Boris has delivered – and in spades. You can now meet, to your heart’s content, one other person from a household that is not your own. This is amazing news and a real boost to a population and economy worn down by lockdown. Who could have imagined this just months ago? But by diligent planning and painstaking management we have achieved the hitherto unthinkable – two people can meet outside. And bonus of bonuses – they can have a cup of tea on a bench without risk of arrest or fine – absolutely tremendous! Social distancing still applies.

Rules correct at time of writing but subject to change and amendment at short notice.

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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