Tuesday, May 28, 2024
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Face to face with Bumbling Cabbage Patch


I MANAGED to catch up with the famous actor Bumbling Cabbage Patch after the recent Oscars in Los Angeles. We discussed Covid-19, Ukraine, the recent awards and his beliefs about many things such as toxic masculinity and equal pay for female actors. I intended to ask about his next plans but, as you will see, the interview came to an abrupt end. We were accompanied by his personal assistant Arsia Licker who carefully monitored the interview and asked for several comments that Bumbling made to be kept off the record.  We are in the Pampered Pooches lounge of the Palomar Hotel on Wilshire Boulevard.

RW: Thank you for agreeing to this interview. How well have you coped during the pandemic?

BCP: Loved it. We got stuck in that wonderful country New Zealand and, while we had to slum it a bit, it was probably the best time of my life.

RW: Some would say that staying in a £900-a-night resort was not exactly slumming it.

BCP: Listen, we have stayed in better places, and we were unable to move somewhere else. We just made the best of it. I don’t know what some people complained about during lockdown.

RW: You had high praise for New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern. Do you think actors should express political opinions?

BCP: That was not a political opinion, it was correct.

RW: If someone said that they did not like Jacinda Ardern and that she had not managed the pandemic well, would that be political?

BCP: Of course. But it is hard to imagine anyone being critical of Jacinda.

RW: You famously said that you thought you were Patient Zero who spread Covid-19 to South Africa when you were filming there. Do you think it was responsible of you to go there when the pandemic was under way?

BCP: Yes, I was determined to do my bit to help the poor people of South Africa.

RW: How did you help?

BCP: I was trying to help them to achieve herd immunity.

RW: You recently waved a Ukraine flag at a film festival in the United States and have said that you will open your house to Ukrainian refugees.

BCP: Correct.

RW: Why do you feel so strongly about the Ukraine issue?

BCP: Doesn’t everyone?

RW: No. Anyway, have you taken in any refugees yet?

BCP: No.

RW: How do you think you will like sharing your house with Ukrainian refugees if you do take any?

BCP: Good Lord! You don’t think I’ll actually be there at the same time, do you?

RW: Could I ask you how you felt about not being awarded Best Actor at the recent Oscars for your leading role in The Hair of the Dog?

BCP: Well, I was due to win Best Actor but after Will Smith walloped Chris Rock everyone was terrified of him and worried that he would go ballistic if he didn’t win it. So, I had a word with the organisers and suggested that I was not given the award and that it went to him. That’s the kind of guy I am.

RW: But you did look disappointed.

BCP: I’m an actor, that’s what I do. I had to pretend to be disappointed.

RW: Do you think that the attack on Chris Rock was staged? Many people do.

BCP: If that was acting it was terrible. If I had been involved there would have been fake blood and bruises.

RW: Now, could I ask you about your recent film? What do you think about criticism that, as a straight actor, you played a gay character?

BCP: Gay? Who? The character I played in The Hair of the Dog was merely a cowboy with taste. Just because he was clever, could play a musical instrument and was highly strung, it doesn’t mean he was gay.

RW: But the overriding view is that the character was gay. Whatever, do you think that straight actors should play gay roles?

BCP: Only, if like me, they are willing to immerse themselves in the role, like I do when I am acting, and to live as a gay person for the duration of the part.

RW: Is that what you did?

[His PA leans over and whispers in his ear.]

BCP: No comment.

RW: OK. If I could move on to your other views. Many people claim you are a virtue-signalling twit. How do you respond to that?

BCP: If people think that my speaking out on a number of important issues is virtue signalling then I can’t help that.

RW: You have a lot to say about toxic masculinity. Why have you decided to take this up as an issue?

BCP: This is the most serious issue in today’s society. Toxic males abuse women, start wars, kick cats and persecute racial minorities. It must be tackled, and I am just the person to tackle it.

RW: I don’t doubt you are correct in your assessment of toxic males but what are you doing, practically, to tackle toxic masculinity?

BCP: I’ve spoken out, surely that is enough. I am sure that it will end soon, and I can sleep at night knowing I have played my part.

RW: You have stated that you will refuse to act in films where female co-stars are not paid the same as the leading male character.

BCP: Well, when I am in a film, I am always the leading actor.

RW: Is that another of your demands? Will you refuse to act in a film if you are not the leading actor?

BCP: I can’t imagine such a thing.

RW: Back to the female co-stars, do you think they should be paid the same even if they are rubbish and the film is a flop?

BCP: See my previous comment.

RW. OK then, moving on. Would you play a disabled character?

BCP: No.

RW: But you have famously played characters who were most likely on the autistic spectrum.

BCP: But autism is not a disability.

[His PA leans over and whispers in his ear.]

BCP: Oh, I see. Arsia informs me it is. Well, in that case none of the characters I played was autistic.

RW: If that is the case, then why did you visit schools where autistic children were being educated?

[His PA leans over and whispers in his ear.]

BCP: Thank you, the interview is over.

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Roger Watson
Roger Watson
Roger Watson is a Professor of Nursing.

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