FANTASY journalism is a self-indulgent business, but needs must. Disenchanted with the shoddy workmanship of the MSM, I’ve gone DIY, cobbling together searching questions for our untouchable elites.
My esteemed interviewees would scarcely be skewered. Straight bats and subtle deflections would abound. But just maybe a moment’s disequilibrium – a flicker of doubt in the knowing smile, the fixed gaze momentarily averted. I’d settle for that.
Whether the following questions would do the trick is doubtful. Readers will disappoint me if they can’t do better. But anyway, donning (age-betraying) essential props – Robin Day spectacles and dickie-bow – this is my imaginary grilling of ten of the great and the good. A self-imposed rule: one question per big cheese. I broke it once, I think with good reason.
Boris Johnson, Prime Minister
Prime Minister, you are the leader of the Conservative Party, and doubtless proud to be so. Could you please give me, say, five things which your party is conserving?
Professor Chris Whitty, Chief Medical Officer
Professor Whitty, we now have no fewer than 47 peer-review studies confirming the inefficacy of masks for Covid, and another 32 showing their harmful health effects. When will you follow the science and ban their use?
Tim Davie, BBC Director General
Mr Davie, could you please advise the British public what formal written procedures are in place, during the production of BBC programmes, to ensure all output is politically impartial, in line with the Royal Charter?
Diane Abbott, MP
Ms Abbott, forgive me for putting this in such stark terms, but do you have a problem with white people?
Cressida Dick, Metropolitan Police Commissioner
Dame Cressida, to allay any fears of institutionalised bias against anti-lockdown protesters, would you be prepared to share with the public a recording of a TSG team briefing prior to one of those protests?
Sadiq Khan, Mayor of London
1 Mr Mayor, you take a personal interest in the legacy of slavery. Over three centuries the Ottoman Empire captured one million white Christian Europeans, including many thousands from all over Britain, and transported them to slavery in North Africa. How might this sorry chapter best be taught in London’s schools and commemorated in its statuary?
2 Mr Mayor, do you unequivocally condemn the recent stabbing by an Islamist of ex-Muslim Christian evangelist Hatun Tash at Speakers’ Corner, and what police protection will she now belatedly be afforded?
Councillor Hannah Clare, Green Party promoter of CRT in Brighton schools
Ms Clare, is racism a universal concept, as world history seems to show, or is it purveyed only by a particular race?
Mr Lineker, with your well-remunerated success at the BBC, how did you manage to remain at heart an ordinary working-class lad from Leicester, son of a greengrocer, with normal working-class views?
Caroline Lucas, MP
Ms Lucas, you have regularly espoused the view that sea levels are rising owing to climate change. Yet mortgage-lenders continue to advance money on seafront properties all over the world, including in your home city of Brighton. Are they trying to go out of business, do you think?
Joe Biden, US President
Mr President, I’m sure you would hate anyone – let alone half your country – to think the 2020 election was stolen. Will you be responding to the findings of result-changing fraud from the forensic audits in Arizona and elsewhere, either by disproving them or by leaving the White House?