A NEW term heralds excitement and expectation, none more so than at the BoJo Academy.
In Founders’ Hall, standing before pupils and flanked by the teaching staff, Mr Sunak welcomed all to the start of Pirola term, which he announced would be a period of consolidation and stability.
With portraits of illustrious predecessors gazing down, the Headmaster turned towards them, saying: ‘Every time I look upon these wonderful portraits I am filled with a sense of wonder and a sense of responsibility.’
Gesturing to the ornately framed pictures, he continued: ‘Take three examples, be it Mrs May, radiant under a glitter ball, Mr Cameron, petting a husky, or perhaps more recently the depiction of Ms Truss cradling a lettuce, I wonder if any pupil can identify the common theme that links them all?’
A deafening silence was punctured by one of the Governors, Mr Frost, increasingly an irrelevant figure, blurting out: ‘Are they all useless?’
Whilst many of the staff and boys laughed loudly at this crass and uncalled-for witticism, the Headmaster was quick to nip the inappropriate intervention in the bud.
‘No, the common theme that I was thinking of is ability. And that is very much my theme today. Every pupil who is fortunate enough to attend the Academy must strive to the best of their capacity – be that great or small. It is also something that I would like to think applies equally to members of staff. Every single teacher should aspire to perform at their very best.
‘We are fortunate to have many capable and talented teachers who already do this, and while it would appear wrong to name individuals, it would be remiss not to recognise Mr Shapps, Ms Patel, Ms Braverman and Mr Cleverly, who lead very much by example.
‘Ability comes in all shapes and sizes, and that is never more evident than on the playing fields. Whilst sadly we have had no real success garnering silverware in either cricket or football, I am heartened that our pupils have given their all in the quest. The sixth-form girls’ football team did the Academy proud by making it to the final of the inter-schools tournament. They have been an inspiration to future generations, and have succeeded in breaking through the glass ceiling that has held women back in the toxic masculine world of school sports for far too long.’
The Headmaster then asked the Bursar, Mr Hunt, to give an update on the Academy’s finances and affiliated matters. A popular figure both in and outside the School, Mr Hunt began his talk with a reference to debanking.
‘The issue of debanking is really something that neither pupils, or indeed parents, need worry about. Some time ago, a few senior boys established a dining club which has gained itself an unsavoury reputation for unbecoming antics outside of the school premises. The Farage Club, as they are known, have let themselves and the Academy down with their juvenile behaviour. That is why the school’s long-standing bank, Coutts & Co, decided to close their account. The Branch Manager Miss Rose and her dynamic Regional Manager Mr Flavel took the decision after compiling a succinct dossier chronicling the Society’s more outrageous antics. Having reviewed this sickening document and its litany of misdemeanours – such as suggesting that the European Schools Alliance was ‘totally unhinged’, it was only right and proper that financial services were withdrawn. Let that be the end of the matter.’
Stop Press: The BoJo Academy was saddened to learn of the departure of both Miss Rose and Mr Flavel from the bank. It was heartening to learn however, that Miss Rose’s departure has been cushioned by a substantial ‘golden goodbye’ payment for her exemplary service. High-calibre, principled individuals are a rare commodity in the high-pressure world of finance and we wish them both well.
Finally, the School’s motto, Gloria filiorum patres* is felt to be both old-fashioned and wrong on many levels – not least, offensive to those not identifying as boys. Going forward Mr Sunak wants something which is both contemporary and accurately reflects the positive outlook he and the Academy espouse. With that in mind could pupils henceforth familiarise themselves with Quos Deus vult perdere, prius dementat.
*For those who may not have studied Latin: ‘The glory of sons is their fathers’ and ‘Those whom God wishes to destroy, he first deprives of reason’.