Saturday, May 18, 2024
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For pandemic patter, clip on a chatterbox


AS the coronavirus crisis continues, many people are now so worried about breathing in germs that they’re keeping their mouths closed when encountering acquaintances outdoors.

It means you can’t give even a mumbled greeting across the social distance divide, leaving you anxious that you may be thought ignorant and impolite.

But don’t despair, help is here – with Coronatter®, the amazing new automated casual conversation device for those awkward pandemic moments.

Only 2in long, this state-of-the-art miniature loudspeaker can be clipped to your lapel and wirelessly operated by a small hand-held button. The volume is adjustable from 60 decibels to 120 decibels, so there’s no worry about being heard whatever the social distance.

In Speak mode, the Coronatter® offers dozens of pre-loaded standard phrases, including Good Morning / Good Afternoon / Good Evening / How are you? / Keeping well? / How’s the family? / Watch out for that dog muck / Looks like rain / Dragging on a bit this, don’t you think? / How are you doing for toilet rolls? / There’s one of those bloody drones hovering over us.

In Answer mode, standard phrases include Good Morning / Good Afternoon / Good Evening / Fine, thank you / Mustn’t grumble / Oh, rubbing along, you know / The forecast said sunny / Got a bit of a sniffle, but don’t think it’s the dreaded Covid / I suppose they’re doing their best, but I wish they’d hurry up with a vaccine / We’re using both sides of the paper / The cops followed me all the way to Sainsbury’s last night.

The Coronatter® can also be programmed with your own bespoke words and phrases, for instance: Morning, Bert, how’s the back, still giving you gyp? / I think old Nosey Jones across the road there is snooping on us / You remember you borrowed my garden vac last September? Can you let me have it back? Just wipe it down with some Dettol and leave it at the end of the path.

The Coronanatter® is yours for just £9.99, including post and packing. It would be available at all good High Street retailers, but they’ve been closed down. If you order it online, there’s currently a year’s wait. And since it’s made in China, you’d better disinfect it before you use it.

© 2020 The Coronatter® Corporation

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is a wannabe best-selling novelist, one of his efforts being the Fifties Franny series, available on Amazon Kindle books.

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