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From Madame Selene, advice to the great and the not-so-good

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MADAME Selene, the world-renowned astrologer, has kindly agreed to become TCW Defending Freedom’s agony aunt.  

Following the wise advice dispensed to her initial correspondents, she has been inundated with requests for help from prominent people in all corners of the globe and beyond. 

J.B. from Washington DC writes:  

Dear Madame Salami, 

Please help! I am being held hostage in a big house. Every morning my carer Jo, Jill, Jacky … I forget her name, brings me my Fruit Loops and soda. When I get up, they dress me in a suit which I wear for the television people. After my morning nap, I have to read out something that has long words I don’t understand like ‘trunalimunumaprzure’ and ‘badakathcare’.  

Once a week, they put me in a big limousine. If they see me, folks often shout ‘Let’s go, Brandon’; that must be my name. Sometimes I try to escape, but there are men with guns everywhere and there is big whirlybird in the garden. Not only that, a woman of colour follows me around and sometimes pushes me downstairs when no one is looking. If I don’t poop my pants they give me an ice cream. Is there anything you can do Madame Salome, anything at all? 

Madame Selene says: 

J.B., I was sorry to read about your plight. Many people of a certain age have their car taken away by concerned relatives or have been placed in a retirement home for ‘their own good’ when they don’t believe it is necessary.  

Your establishment seems to have particularly stringent security arrangements, even for these unusual times. I find it hard to believe that you are asked to read something for television. It is possible that the medication you will be taking is playing tricks on your mind.  

I can only suggest that you ask your relatives to move you to a more accommodating establishment, perhaps in the Sunshine State of Florida. On second thoughts, you might feel more at home in California. 

G.T. from Stockholm writes: 

 Dear Madame Selene, 

Life is so unfair. When I was young girl, everyone want to meet me and hear what I say. They even read my book that my father write for me. Now I am a young woman they do not care. They just say ‘blah, blah! blah’ and it mean nothing.  

After all I do for them, how dare they! I have seen Ice Age 2: The Meltdown, and very soon the world will drown and they will be very sorry they disobeyed me. It will not bother me. I have lots of kronor and I will buy a big boat with sails. I will fish for herring, which I eat all the time. With more water there will be more herring. Before the flood comes, please tell me how I can be important again. 

Madame Selene says

G.T., I feel for the youth of today. When I was your age, life was much simpler. I would spend many happy hours helping my mummy, playing with my Sindy doll and reading thrilling Enid Blyton stories.  

Like many of your generation, you have been used by unscrupulous megalomaniacs who have stolen your childhood. I think you will find that Ice Age 2 is not a documentary and all of what you see on news programmes is government propaganda.  

You should forget about possible floods and try to become a normal person. Why not spend some time helping your mother to prepare your favourite herring dishes? In the evening I recommend reading Malory Towers before moving on to The Famous Five and then The Secret Seven. If you are not able to find a Sindy, try a Barbie. 

The D from Hell writes: 

Dear Madame Selene, 

I am insecure. Things have been going splendidly for me and my disciples at the WEF and Trilateral Commission for the last few years. My goals have been recognised throughout the world and my followers are ensuring that truth-seekers are crushed and replaced by the corrupt and greedy.  

My virus is working as intended and consolidating my demonic grip on the minds of humans. The traditional earthly opposition has disappeared, or taken my side. It has all been too easy and, I fear it is going to come crashing down on me at any time.  

In the past I have been close to world domination only for the truth-seekers to foil me before my satanic machinations triumphed. Despite all this, I am aware that my plan has been exposed and some of my followers have been discovered. Can Madame Selene suggest what I must do to ensure the victory of evil? 

Madame Selene says: 

The D, I must admit that this is an unusual request and, not being one of your followers, I’m not sure that I’m the best person to ask. I tend to think that it not in the interests of my readers for evil to prevail. 

Surely your quest is self-defeating? If you were to triumph,  there would be no meaning to your existence and you would have to create some goodness to entertain yourself and your imps and demons.  

You say you exist to destroy truth and justice, and for this reason, if for no other, I believe it is time for you to tone down your nefarious activities and let your disciples be exposed and harshly dealt with by truth-seekers.  

The fact is that without good people to corrupt, you would be bored and miserable. Your existence would be meaningless. Furthermore, I believe that you might enjoy  

participating in the destruction of your WEF followers. Any tips on how to punish them would be greatly appreciated. 

J.W. from Lambeth writes:  

Dear Madame Selene, 

I used to work as an executive in the oil industry. Some years ago, after a heavy night drinking with colleagues at The Brewer’s Fayre in Aberdeen, I had a mystical experience. The following day I handed in my resignation and applied to become a priest in a well-known religion.  

To my great surprise, I was accepted and then continually promoted. I now find myself as the head of that organisation.   

Many of the members seem to want me to inspire them about the glory and majesty of an entity they call God, but how I am supposed to do that when I have far more important items on my agenda, such as fighting rampant social injustice, controlling the weather, ridding the organisation of links to slavery, selling off old buildings and supporting the Government’s totalitarian measures? I would be grateful if Madame Selene could advise me about the best way to get rid of the God-botherers. 

Madame Selene says: 

J.W., being the daughter of devout Irish-Polish/Croatian Catholic parents, I was subjected to many interminable sermons on transubstantiation, the transfiguration and related mysteries. Whilst it felt like an endurance test at the time, it left me with a spiritual awareness that informs my astrological insight and everyday actions. 

 It seems that your spirituality leaves something to be desired for a man in your exalted position. My advice is to try to be more understanding about the concerns of your critics. It would be a good start not to refer to them as God-botherers.  

I also suggest reading the Bible. It can be quite baffling in parts, but it will give you an inkling into why your members are so annoyed. If you find it hard going, try The Little Bible Story Book, or The Illustrated Bible for Little Ones.  

If you are still having problems, perhaps you should consider retraining as an HGV driver, or, if triple-jabbed, a hospital porter. 

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John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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