Tuesday, May 24, 2022
HomeStatesideGo get ’em, Lassie – Biden’s new recruit

Go get ’em, Lassie – Biden’s new recruit

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SINCE inauguration, the Biden administration have been a consistent champion of inclusivity and diversity. They have strived to ensure that all sections of United States society are represented in the great offices of state. TCW Defending Freedom lists some of Biden’s recent ground-breaking appointments.

Sam Brinton (they/them)

Sam has recently been given the role of deputy assistant secretary of Spent Fuel and Waste Disposition in the Energy Department’s Office of Nuclear Energy. Although Sam has a relevant degree, he is better known for being ‘a non-binary drag queen who is involved with kink’. He is known to roam the White House wearing stilettos. He was an adviser to Barack Obama on LGBT issues. President Biden fell asleep when asked how Sam’s approval of unusual sexual practices fitted with Biden’s much-vaunted Catholicism.

It was felt that the appointment of the transgender Rachel Levine to be assistant Secretary for Health was an insufficient gesture of disregard for the beliefs of the despised Christians of America.

The Bell Witch

The Department of Defense has always been at the forefront of innovative ways to counter threats to the security of the United States. The Biden Administration recognise that weaponry alone will not thwart a determined adversary. Consequently, they have called upon the services of the infamous Bell Witch. This violent poltergeist was active in Tennessee in the early part of the nineteenth century, and Joe Biden thinks it will be perfect to scare the bejesus out of Presidents Putin and Xi if they become too troublesome.

Lassie

Animals have historically been severely unrepresented in the corridors and committee rooms of the White House. There were reported moves by President Eisenhower to introduce Champion the Wonder Horse to the Department of Rural Affairs, and Mister Ed was briefly engaged by President Ford as National Security Adviser until he spoke out against bombing Hanoi. Biden has righted this wrong by appointing Lassie to help Kamala Harris deal with border security. Although at least 82 years old, Lassie has been tasked with monitoring the 2,000-mile border with Mexico and reporting back to the Vice President in the event of any breaches by illegal immigrants.

Big Bird and Elmo

As director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID), Dr Anthony Fauci has come in for criticism over his involvement with gain-of-function research, and his advocacy of dangerous experimental gene therapies. His appearance on television is said to scare children and dissuade them from willingly offering themselves as guinea pigs in the current worldwide pharmaceutical trials. Consequently, the President has appointed Big Bird and Elmo as NIAID Special Representatives. It is believed that the President never misses an episode of Sesame Street. His favourite character is Oscar the Grouch.

A Hershey Bar

The President believes that inanimate objects should also have representation in his Cabinet. Not content with Nancy Pelosi, President Joe has bolstered the inanimate quota by including the popular American ‘chocolate’ snack, the Hershey Bar. The consumable which can also be used as a sealant has been given responsibility for voter registration. When asked about the 2019 election anomalies, Hershey Bar was unavailable for comment. Nancy Pelosi was having her hair varnished.

Just in: Bart Simpson has been named Chair of the Federal Reserve.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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