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Sunday, May 19, 2024
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HomeNewsGood news from Chatty – Grim Reaper cuts the NHS waiting lists

Good news from Chatty – Grim Reaper cuts the NHS waiting lists

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OUR Man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton MP, is committed to truth, transparency and decency. He is happy for TCW Defending Freedom to publish his correspondence to his constituents. Sir Charles has represented the people of Greater Tittleham since entering Parliament in 1966. He is an Assistant Under Secretary of State at the Department of Health

My Dear Friends 

It is not often in these disturbing times that I am able to write to you with good news. Indeed, during the last ten years, I can recall only the capture of the snow leopard that was terrorising the good ladies of the Lower Tittleham Women’s Institute, the rescue of the school party that fell into a sink hole on the B7492, and the refurbishment of the salmon runs on the River Tittle. Moreover, positive reports from Westminster have been particularly scarce. 

I am pleased to say, however, that some good news has emerged from the Department of Health. At the end of last year, the waiting lists for NHS treatment finally subsided. I have no doubt that this was in no small part due to the significant efforts that I have made in my ministerial capacity. Nevertheless, I cannot rule out the impact on the figures of the increasing numbers of premature deaths, no doubt caused by the irresponsible jabbing of large numbers of the public with untested experimental gunk, and the likelihood that many people have given up hope of NHS treatment and sought help in more salubrious havens in Budapest, Kiev, or Mogadishu.

The announcement of the reduction was met with great rejoicing in the offices of the Department in Victoria Street. Such was the relief that a party was organised for all concerned. I understand that civil servants who had not graced their desks for nearly three years re-emerged to take part in the celebrations. My minister, Stephen Barclay, a man in search of a personality if ever there was one, surprised us all by leading a conga, which ended up on platform 11 at Victoria station. Later in the evening, he was heard on the telephone to the editor of the Daily Mirror shouting ‘Loser, loser . . .’ and singing ‘We are the Champions’. 

Whilst I will continue to do my utmost to ensure that the trend continues, I do fear that despite my best efforts the lists will soon, once more, continue on their inevitable march towards the 10million mark.

You will be pleased to know that at the beginning of the month, I took part in a long-planned Parliamentary fact-finding mission to the indigenous Mura people of central Brazil. I went with my secretary, Catherine, and some bods from the Department, to investigate their use of leeches. There is a suggestion that their application will reduce the number of so-called bed blockers in our hospitals and give nurses more time to queue at food banks. Our party also included a Welsh Nationalist who was keen on their basket-weaving skills, the permanently peeved Green woman who wanted ideas about how we can all live with no reliable energy, and a young Socialist who was there to investigate their use of personal pronouns.

Apart from the usual leaving soirée in Buenos Aires, the trip was extremely sober compared with some previous fact-finding missions. I recall a particularly raucous trip to Gibraltar. As the plane landed it was clear that one of the Socialist members was unable to stand and required a wheelchair to ferry her to the coach. At the hotel two drunken Scottish Nationalists engaged in fisticuffs to defend the honour of their preferred football teams, and at breakfast the following day another Socialist had a long discussion with a bacon sandwich about dialectical materialism, whatever nonsense that might be!

I am aware that telling you this casts something of a pall over the ability of those who have been elected to the House. The sad truth is that the drunks, rakes and dimwits are the least of our worries. The true rascals are the globalist zealots whose cult-like adherence to foreign ideologies, Green mysticism and the whims of avaricious billionaires will lead to the destruction of all we hold dear.

I trust that you will all do whatever you can to resist the enveloping evil. For my part I have been reassured by the redoubtable Miss Abbey Potterson at the Drunken Ferret that she will have no truck with so-called ‘digital currency’; my dear wife, Lady Veronica, has informed me that she will take the whip to any staff member who claims to have ‘long Covid’, and my dutiful secretary is determined to shred any documents she finds in the Department that emanate from the World Health Organisation.

With this sort of grit and determination I have no doubt that the good people of Tittleham will continue to be a beacon to whom the world can turn when the machinations of the mendacious confront their senses.

I remain,

Your determined and dedicated servant,

Sir Charles Chatterton MP

Tittleham Hall

Middle Tittleham

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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