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Monday, July 15, 2024
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Greta & Co: An apology

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AS THE stooges of the globalist parasites become increasingly nervous, a number of them seem to be distancing themselves from their past announcements and activities.

Greta Thunberg

In 2018 a tweet with my name say climate change will wipe out humans in five years unless we stop use of fossil fuels. 

This does not yet happen. I must apologise and say my timing was wrong. I am not wiped out, Stockholm is not under the sea and pickled herring still swim in the ocean. Now people do not see me much on television and father say I must become expert on other things like the bad things that happen in Africa with the Palestinarians and the Druids people.

King Charles III

In 2009 I appear to have said, ‘We have just 96 months to avert an irretrievable climate and ecosystem collapse, and all that goes with it.’ Now, I can’t for the life of me remember what caused me to say that. 

Apparently I said something similar in 2012, also in 2020, and again in 2021. Goodness knows what came over me! But there it is. Anyway I’ve decided to leave that sort of thing to William. As King one needs to fly to lots of places and one cannot always rely on the 16.40 to King’s Lynn what with all those ghastly strikes and what not.

Erasmus Demonstrates Hepplewhite (aka The Jabbing Actor)

As Britain’s leading crisis actor I have to say it was only natural for the authorities to demand my artistry in times of national crisis. Who else could have portrayed the anguish, pathos and hopelessness of an unvaccinated fool who was condemned to intensive care after succumbing to a deadly virus?

It has since come to my attention that the deadly virus was little more than a bad case of the sniffles and the vaccine was a concoction containing all manner of gunk. 

Naturally, I apologise deeply for my complicity in the death and injury of millions of people. In my defence I was under serious pressure from some rather brutish associates of my landlord, Mister Zeki Akuni. Furthermore, my fellow thespians in the Brentford Actors and Artists Collective would be devastated had I to leave the area.

As dear, dear Dame Judi said to me when she came to RADA to present the Emma Watson Award for Treachery, ‘Dear Boy, there are only so many gift horses you can look in the mouth before one of them tramples all over you. Be a sweetie and try to find me a mojito and a large tube of salt-and-vinegar Pringles.’ 

I can only hope that the promised bird flu is truly terrifying.

Charlie Mullins (Pimlico Plumbers)

Yer, I ’ave joined Reform. I voted to stay in the EU but y’know I fink it is wot it is, we are where we are, if you know wot I mean. It seems to me that if we weren’t ’ere we’d be somewhere else. D’ya get where I’m coming from? The fing is I need to be on television and I might as well be wiv a geezer like Nigel rather than a stinker like Starmer. I don’t apologise for nuffink but I will if you want. Are you wiv me?

Sir Paul McCartney, Sir Elton John, Sir Mick Jagger

In a joint statement issued on behalf of the above, the three elderly rockers explained why they pleaded with their fans to get the jab: 

Rock ’n’ Roll is nothing if it is not to manipulate the minds of the gullible. We were ordered to promote something we knew nothing about. Being knighted brings with it certain commitments. Please buy our latest albums.

Rishi Sunak

‘Soz, I’ll soon be off to sunny California.’

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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