Saturday, June 19, 2021
HomeNewsExclusive: Harry and Meghan’s Declaration of Independence

Exclusive: Harry and Meghan’s Declaration of Independence

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As Prince Harry is embroiled in a row for calling the First Amendment to the US Constitution ‘bonkers’, a document that he and Meghan Markle drew up on their arrival in the US has been leaked  . . .  

WE hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, unless they happen to be born a Prince, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Multi-Million-Dollar Deals with global corporations for not doing very much.  

The history of the present Kingdom of Great Britain is a history of repeated Injuries and Usurpations against us, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over us in not letting us reap the benefit of Royal Status while Complaining how Awful it All is.  

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury such as being told to Knuckle Down.  

We have reminded our British Brethren of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native Justice and Magnanimity. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity, with news-sheets publishing Scurrilous Libels such as ‘Moaning Markle’ and ‘The Prince of Woke.’  

We, therefore, the Representatives of the United Soulmates of Harry and Meghan, in our 14.5million-dollar, nine-bedroom, 16-bathroom California mansion here assembled, do solemnly publish and declare, That we are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all connection between us and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved unless of course it comes in handy for promoting our deals with Netflix, Spotify, Procter & Gamble, etc.  

Amendments:  

1. In paragraph the first, for ‘men’ substitute ‘those of whatever gender identity or none’.  

2. In paragraph the second, insert ‘virulently racist’ before ‘Kingdom of Great Britain’.  

3. In paragraph the fifth, insert ‘selfless and philanthropic’ before ‘our deals with Netflix, Spotify, Procter & Gamble, etc’.  

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is an amateur local historian and wannabe best-selling novelist.

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