Wednesday, October 28, 2020
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Hey, Beeb, stop fibbing!

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THE BBC’s new electronic digital assistant – called Beeb – is being rolled out. And it’s been given a ‘warm and friendly’ north of England male accent. 

The regional dialect reflects ‘the diversity of the audience in the UK’, according to the BBC. 

The voice-activated service, similar to Amazon’s Alexa, is switched on by the user saying, ‘Hey, Beeb.’ Then a question can be asked, or an instruction given.

Okay, so let’s try it out with a few simple questions ….

 ‘Hey, Beeb, is the BBC institutionally biased, with a Left-wing agenda?’

 –  ‘Hello owd love, Yorkshire Beeb here. Biased? Nah then lad, tha don’t want to be faffin’ wi’ that sort of notion. We ’av a reet grand code of conduct at BBC, which we stick by – like ’orse muck sticks to a boot.’

 ‘Hey, Beeb, what about Brexit? Isn’t the BBC furious that we didn’t vote Remain?’

   ‘Aw right, pal, Scouse Beeb here. Brexit bias? Aw, come off it, la. Worra ya goin’ on about with that antwacky owl argument? Stop bein’ a divvy like all them Leave voters.’

 ‘Hey, Beeb, does the BBC believe in man-made global warming and dismiss climate change sceptics as nutters?’

 – ‘Ow ya doin’, our kid? Manchester Beeb here. The BBC prejudiced about climate change? Is it ’eck as like. What sorta mardy, mingin’, daft a’porth would think that? You must have come down the Irwell in the last shower o’ rain. Acid rain, that is, due to man-made global warming.’

 ‘Hey, Beeb, why is the Question Time audience always loaded with Leftist activists posing as ordinary members of the public?’

 –  ‘Ow do, cock, Lancashire Beeb here. That’s a barmpot suggestion. We’re always gettin’ mithered about bias on Question Time, but the audience is picked at random by Labour HQ.’

 ‘Hey, Beeb, should the licence fee be scrapped?’

 ‘Hareet mate, Cumbria Beeb here. Divn’t even think about gerrin’ rid of the licence fee! That brass is badly needed to produce the BBC’s world-class output, such as One Man and His Dog.’

‘Hey, Beeb, is Emily Maitlis of Newsnight biased?’

  ‘Areet, wor kid, Geordie Beeb here. Wor Emily biased? Haddaway man, she’s a canny lass, a reet bobby dazzla. Look ’ow she ’andled that Andrew Prince bloke.’

 ‘Hey, Beeb, what about BBC Watch on The Conservative Woman, which for years has been forensically exposing the prejudice and propaganda churned out by the corporation?’

 ‘Hello, Beeb Central Processing Unit here … HTML Error 404. Server not found … HTML Error 404. Server not found … HTML Error 404. Server not found … HTML Error 404. Server not found …’

‘Hey, Beeb, switch off.’

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is an amateur local historian and wannabe best-selling novelist.

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