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House of the Living Dead


Official Report on the Ghoulish Criminal Pathology of the ‘Dead’ Parliament

THE subject of this report (the ‘Dead’ Parliament) identified a suitable victim on the basis of his being in possession of the celebrated human attributes of personhood, moral agency and free will that enabled him to express unrepentant Englishness and a desire for Brexit. Seeing his exercise of these faculties as inconveniences and an offence against what it considered to be normality, it set out to neutralise them with extreme prejudice. The form this took can only be described as an attempt to ‘possess’ him and his ‘executive’ entourage, and to turn him and them into a version of the Walking Dead and, thus, to share in its own moribund, ‘zombie’ nature and increase the number of the dead.

The first target was the victim’s linguistic faculty. His control over what he writes was appropriated remotely in order to make him write a letter he did not wish to write. This has been categorised as a new form of automatic writing. Next, his speech was targeted. Anything offending against a Remain agenda was proscribed and deemed inflammatory. An incontestable and verifiable causal link between it and the inevitability that a series of murders would be carried out in the country was ‘proved’. The customary use of metaphor was banned and substituted with a literalism that excised any possibility of irony or wit. For example a boxing metaphor, such as ‘throwing in the towel’, was seen as a direct incitement to violence (it should, however, be noted that ‘going off a cliff edge’ was not deemed to be distressing for those who might be contemplating suicide). In this way limits were set on what the victim was allowed to say. We can only conclude that the aim was to erase his normal faculties and turn him into a mute and obedient vacuum enclosed by a human shell into which anything at all might be inserted, or a neutered marionette whose strings are twitched by the majority in the legislature.

The result of the above, to use a technical term, ‘depersonalisation’ and immobilisation is that the legislature, instead of being the theatre for principled debate, now resembles the avant-garde set for an unedifying Theatre of Cruelty production or Buffalo Bill’s basement in The Silence of the Lambs.

Discovering that its obstructive actions have delivered a helpless Conservative Party into its hands, the Chamber of the House of Commons has mutated into a torture chamber where free rein is given for long-held hatreds, spites and resentments to be unleashed to punish the crime of being Tory. Punishment beatings are administered as Tories are turned into moral pariahs whom it is legitimate to beat. The method may be open vilification or it may be the dumb hatred of a passive aggression that, by refusing an election, inflicts and sustains the state of paralysis on the government. As a result, that government now resembles the blood-drained brides of Dracula kept on tap or the living human victims of the Alien monster stashed in a sticky larder for later consumption. Given this open goal, the opposition parties find it hard to resist the opportunity and the media join in gleefully with the choreography.

In terms of psychiatric pathology, various theories have been advanced to explain the subject’s general behaviour. Having invited and then received an instruction from the people, there have been various responses to that instruction. The ‘Liberal Democrat’ wing has shown naked hostility to the instruction. In 2011 a new psychiatric disorder was described, now known as ‘Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome’, The name speaks for itself. Our medical officers are seriously considering that this may be a suitable diagnosis for the Liberal Democrats. In the case of the wing known as the ‘Labour Party’, the medical officers are entertaining the theory that it is suffering from a personality disorder of the passive-aggressive type cited already above. It has exhibited a perennial hostility to the Conservative Party but is unable to bring itself to express this hostility honestly and openly. Instead it engages in a series of blocking and obstructing tactics designed to necrose politics entirely. The refusal to call the election it says that it wants indicates a nature terminally at odds with itself. It is noted that its members enact being at odds with itself in the most vivid manner in person.

Some of the behaviours exhibited by the opposition parties are of considerable clinical interest as they have emerged only in recent times. A working theory is that the televising of Parliament has resulted in an effect known as ‘The Society of the Spectacle’ with a related condition tentatively classified as Narcissismus legacismus, whereby sufferers are seen to grandstand outrageously with one eye on the cameras and the other on the history books. The most severe case that has presented itself to date is that of the Speaker of the House. Several female Labour MPs notable for their shameless histrionics  have also been recorded in this connection. A tactic they commonly employ is to assume victimhood while being equally guilty of the sins of which they accuse others. For these patients an image, projected principally in their mind’s eye, of themselves in the role of hero shaking their fist uncompromisingly at an imagined oppressor supersedes the more pedestrian reality around them.

In 35 years of experience I and my officers have seldom encountered psycho-pathologies like those described in this report, and several of my team have experienced severe emotional trauma as a result.


Inspector Jonathan Harker

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Guy Walker
Guy Walker
Guy Walker is a retired French teacher living with his wife, Charlotte, in the South of England. He writes opinion pieces and poetry. He is 'technically' a Catholic.

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