Monday, April 15, 2024
HomeCulture WarHow Prince Harry taught me to be a Venture Monarchist

How Prince Harry taught me to be a Venture Monarchist


IT’S the annual general meeting of the Care Holders of Archewell Productions, the media company founded by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. 

As refugees from an oppressive regime in Britain, the couple are dreaming of a better life in America, where monarchs can live duty-free. 

Like all dreamers, they are committed to the American way. The Duke – aka Prince Harry – is learning the language and adopting the culture, using ‘irritable vowels’ like a Malibu native.  

Since moving to California, he’s gotten sombre and has happily embraced ‘intervention culture’. He doesn’t want to make jokes any more, he wants to ‘educate’ people. 

Meanwhile, the Duchess has been busy too, trading on the emotional currency exchange (EMOTEX), going long on the Oprah. Having sold the gullible British a wedding story, once it was over she didn’t stand on ceremony.  

With a valuable title in the bag, she soon moved on to Malibu, the capital of schmaltz. Having sucked the juice out of the British taxpayer, she laughed as they waved her off to her honeymoon, thinking she’d never see those discarded roadside husks again. But it turns out they do have a second use. 

Back in Malibu, Meghan and Harry had a brilliant idea about how to repurpose the proles as classic British baddies. By tarring them all with the same brush, they could be recast as racists who never made her feel comfortable. It was a brilliant sob story and Oprah Winfrey snapped it up.  

Archewell Productions was going from strength to strength. Harry was confident there was a rich seam of royalty to be mined. Meghan was running an institutional race card and rapidly scaling up the aspersions. But then, problems emerged. 

Back in Cruel Britannia, the people that Harry and Meghan besmirched seemed to have taken umbrage, for some reason. The proles had become trolls. 

The taxpayers of Britain reasoned that the entire value of Archewell Productions was tied to its regal status. That ‘brand value’, they said, has been entirely created by the people who paid for the Royal Family.  

Who has seed-funded Archewell’s brand for the last two millennia? The people of Britain. And all those exploited colonies.  

The people of Great Britain and the Commonwealth have indeed been ‘educated’ by Harry and Meggy, but not as the Duke and Duchess had expected. Britons are no longer exploited taxpayers. They’ve ‘gone on an emotional journey’ and become Venture Monarchists.  

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Nick Booth
Nick Booth
Nick Booth is a freelance writer.

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