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How to make an Eaton Mess


IN George Eaton the New Statesman has found a worthy successor to Johann Hari in carrying the torch for the new Left-wing style of journalism.

Hari, to be fair, only lifted material from other people’s interviews. Hari was employed by the Independent and other caterers to the factose intolerant herd left, but only as a columnist.

George Eaton is actually one of the editors of the New Statesman. The Crapo di Tutti Crapi.

He helps dictate the editorial culture of the magazine. He’s an ambassador for the brand, as the advertising team might say. He exudes the values of the publication.

Mr Eaton even posted a triumphant picture of himself necking champagne, celebrating his take-down of an honest old man who had both trusted him and entertained him in his home. He’s removed the picture now. Maybe he thought people would compare him to one of those conmen who trick their way into a pensioner’s house, then rob him while he’s making them tea.

Mr Eaton was jubilant about making a man lose his job. Scruton might be a mad professor but his edgy views would be enough to burst the plastic bubble of Eaton’s comfort zone. And Zoe Williams’s too, by the sound of it. 

Take that, freedom of speech! Start trembling, you Socratic dialogue dinosaurs! The Far Right is being forced to flee democracy. There’s a new progressive sheriff in town.

What goes around in the New Statesman today will come around on the BBC tomorrow. It has, on Today. So we’d better get used to this new Eaton Mess style of journalism. They’ll be doing it on Newsnight next, then on BBC News at 6. Then the entire output of our national broadcaster.

What’s the story on Balamory? The Far Right are taking over The Island. Sign this petition to get Archie the Inventor fired from the castle!

Forget the old Inverted Pyramid style of story telling. Nobody is interested in who, what, why, where, when or how. The seventh W (who gives a toss?) is still relevant but the answer has changed. You’re not writing for people – they ask too many questions. Search engines don’t and neither do the secondary audience – Sheeple. Writing for the herd left is all about hashtags and being on the right side of hysteria. 

According to online data, an Eaton Mess is prepared in four steps: Cut, Whip, Crush and Spoon.

Cut the words into a weapon, like a prisoner creating a shiv out of something innocent such as a toothbrush. Now Whip up a media storm. Go on Twitter mob handed and Crush your elderly opponent. Spoon in liberal measures of schmaltz and self justification: ‘Lying’s legitimate when you’re fighting the Far White.’

Being George Eaton gives you the privilege to edit selectively, move passages around and reverse the meaning in some places. Because there is a special rule for him and he says lying is the best revenge against liars. The best way to fight fascism is to go the full Goebbels.

So, as an exercise, let’s look at a Republican fascist who needs to be exposed: Dr Martin Luther King.

Here’s the link to the original interview I carried out, Johann Hari-style.

But to spare you from having to endure this racist rant, here’s my Eaton’s Mess edit.

Five score years ago we signed the Emancipation Proclamation as a beacon light to millions of Negroes who seared the flames of injustice. The Negro still is not free. The life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. (Hmm) One hundred years later (All right), the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity.

One hundred years later(My Lord) [applause], the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself in exile in his own land. (Yes, yes) And so we’ve come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

Here is my Eaton-ian interpretation of this text. What a horrible Right-wing piece of work this ‘Dr King’ sounds. He’s saying that black people languish to dramatise their situation!

Here’s the supporting anecdotal evidence. I went to Martin Luther King’s house in Atlanta to try to understand the tyrant. The tour guide said that as a baby Dr King was kept in an improvised cot made out of a desk drawer. That’s what people did in those days.

Gotcha! We have the smoking gun. That childhood experience is exactly what might have happened to Hitler! Coincidence? I don’t think so! And neither, I should imagine, would Owen Jones, Penny Red, Johann Hari, Zoe Williams or, of course, George Eaton.

Dr King gave his dog-whistle speech at Washington’s Lincoln Memorial. Which, as Owen Jones might say if Johann Hari interviewed him, was a way of normalising another fascist, the Zionist Abraham Lincoln.

Consider this speech, where he boasts about his posh Gettysburg address.

To save you reading this poisonous diatribe I will ‘Eaton the truth’ alive.

‘Fourscore and seven years ago,’ King begins. Notice how both he and fellow Republican Lincoln are obsessed with scores? So was Wagner. And Jacob Rees-Mogg is good with numbers too. That’s how he made his fortune in the City. With help from the Kremlin, no doubt. Still, let’s get back to our interview with so-called ‘Doctor’ King.

‘Our fathers conceived a new nation dedicated to the proposition,’ rants the Republican. Proposition, eh? That sounds like a dog whistle Right-wing term for the Daily Mail, which was about to be launched just a few ‘score’ years later, in the very next century.

He sarcastically sneers that ‘all men are created equal’. Locker-room humour straight from the Donald Trump playbook.

He ends with these chilling words: ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.’ I edited out the word ‘not’ for Eaton-esque clarity.

As George Eaton might say, if I interviewed him in his own soon-to-be-franchised Left-wing style: You have to lie in order to confront the liars. The only way to fight fascism is to adopt its tactics. You cannot afford to lose the race to the bottom, or the bottom feeders will win. Fascism is a disease. Type 2 Fascism is not just a Marxist mutation – It’s the best revenge.

Thanks for your contribution to society, George. You must be so proud.

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Nick Booth
Nick Booth
Nick Booth is a freelance writer.

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