Tuesday, June 18, 2024
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I may be Chatty, but I’m not the rat


Our man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton, the raffish, six-times-married, long-serving MP, who is Assistant Under Secretary at the Department for Transport, has revealed to TCW his fears about being implicated in the current investigation into the so-called ‘Chatty rat’, who has leaked information about matters involving the Prime Minister. He says: 

IN view of the furore about leaks from Number 10 and the potentially libellous accusations of a ‘Chatty rat’, I feel it is appropriate to put the record straight about my involvement in leaks, and give my opinion about those whom allegations of impropriety have been made. 

Before I comment on the current hoo-ha, allow me to give a mea culpa concerning a conversation I had some years ago with my old friend, Sir Walter (Pigsy) Spigsby, then Permanent Secretary at the Department for International Development, when that Greening woman was the Minister.  

He told me a story which led me to believe that the department was to sponsor a troupe of Rwandan mime artists who were to perform to orphaned chimpanzees in Kigali.  

I, of course, thought he was joking and related the story over drinks to Richard Littlejohn at the Mail. The next thing I know is all hell broke loose as the story turned out to be true!  The inevitable headline ‘Monkey Business at DfID’, meant that I had to hide out at my club for a week. 

There has been much speculation that Dominic Cummings, the so-called Brexit mastermind, is the culprit behind the current leaks.  

I must say I never got on with Cummings during my time at Downing Street. I recall him dashing round the place, double espresso in hand, mumbling about algorithms and barking orders at terrified interns.  

He seems to have taken umbrage when asked to leave his post and no one seemed to check what classified materials he hurriedly stuffed into his cardboard box when he ostentatiously stormed out of Number 10. 

Then again, we must ask ourselves who has the most to gain from this turmoil. Carrie Symonds has a team of suspicious characters who lurk in unexpected places, and whose tentacles stretch throughout Whitehall and the media. 

Daisy Tulip-Daffodil, who self identifies as ‘Flower’, is one such. Carrie put her in charge of foreign aid, which is now only distributed to governments who sign a pledge not to use fossil fuels for power generation, heating or cooking.  

Daisy is a close friend of Dorothy Ngola-Wu, the first woman of colour to play prop for the Welsh Women’s rugby team. Dorothy is now Head of Wokery at the BBC and as such has a big impact on editorial content. 

Another is Grizelda Peppermint Bland-Kydd, whose remit from Carrie is to oversee the work of the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs in eliminating cattle farming in the UK.  

Grizelda stalks the corridors of Whitehall with her pet cat Flora in her handbag. The cat has been trained to hiss at anyone suspected of not being a vegan. She is married to someone in charge of doctoring climate propaganda photographs at ITV. 

A third member of Carrie’s coterie is Henry Honeydew-Urquart,  whose job it is to ensure that poor people and the elderly replace their cars with tricycles. He is the fiancé of Penelope Bolingbroke-Slope, whose company is said to have provided the very expensive cushions for Carrie’s flat makeover.   

Cummings has suggested that one of these is the source of the leak, but I heard that Carrie threatened to confiscate Bojo’s nightly Californian Merlot allowance if they were implicated. 

But what of Michael Gove? Despite his gargoyle-like appearance, I used to regard him as one of us. But he has steadily gravitated to the dark side, and has taken it upon himself to introduce the Chinese Communist Party surveillance/social credit system to the UK.  

He clearly thinks he is intellectually superior to everyone else and it would not surprise me if he were the deus ex machina in this affair. 

Nor would I be surprised if he were working in cahoots with SAGE, the Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies. SAGE’s members are of the opinion that until the entire population is jabbed monthly, it is not safe to venture out, and this fits in nicely with Gove’s plan for a surveillance state. 

And what about the role of Carrie and her gang in all of this? Perhaps she too would favour a SAGE/Gove medical technocracy.  

She cannot enjoy living in a pokey flat in London with Bojo, a baby and an incontinent dog, whilst having opprobrium heaped on her day after day. She must realise that her unfortunate fiance could earn ten times more as a journalist and public speaker if he were defenestrated.  

Now that her plans for a Green tyranny are in place, how better to consolidate her achievements and move to the country, by supporting a Gove/SAGE  coup d’etat

The dark horse in all this is Simon Case, the Cabinet Secretary. He says the mole may never be identified, which raises my suspicions.  

Not only that, he has the demeanour of an IT nerd who has just discovered a virus after forgetting to back up his data. He ‘Ums’ and ‘Erns’ continually, which in my book suggests he has something to hide. However, I am not one for conspiracy theories, especially about the current Civil Service, as this lot are not bright enough to organise a jumble sale. 

No, for what it’s worth, my hunch is that Carrie, Gove, and SAGE are conspiring with Cummings to oust Bojo, leading to a Gove/SAGE/Cummings government dominated by regular lockdowns, widespread surveillance, algorithms, an enforced crypto-currency, monthly compulsory vaccinations, Green waffle and an inevitable descent into national poverty and destitution. 

I hope I am proved wrong. 

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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