Tuesday, June 22, 2021
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I Wish I’d Looked After Me Bomb Shelter

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IT’S been revealed that Pam Ayres will feature on the BBC to try to calm the nation in the event of a global catastrophe such as nuclear war. 

If regular programming is forced off the air, the poet’s 2008 Woman’s Hour interview with Jane Garvey is among shows ready to fill the gap. 

Pam, 74, famous for such verses as I Wish I’d Looked After Me Teeth, said: ‘I am very pleased if they have chosen me to uplift the nation’s spirits.’ But she added that she hopes the broadcast is never needed. 

It is not known if she will write a special poem for the occasion, but suggestions have been pouring in … 

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me bomb shelter, 

It really was quite a belter
With anti-blast doors,
And reinforced floors.
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me bomb shelter. 

Oh, I wish I’d been that much more willin’
When I realised there’d be global killin’
To keep food supplies stacked,
And replenish what lacked,
When I saw that the shelves needed fillin’. 

Oh, I wish I’d stocked up on champers
And Fortnum’s freeze-dried gourmet hampers
They would last 100 years,
Along with long-life beers,
We’d have been quite happy campers. 

Oh, I wish me bomb shelter was workin’
Now me neglectful nemesis is lurkin’
I sold off the lead linin’
The Geiger counter is whinin’
All the results of my shirkin’. 

Oh, I wish Armageddon weren’t nigh
But before fireballs light up the sky
A reminder from the BBC
Have you paid your licence fee?
If not, do so before you die. 

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is an amateur local historian and wannabe best-selling novelist.

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