Monday, June 24, 2024
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If – (2021)


IF YOU can stay in bed when all around have been up hours,

Glue your bum to the road to save the planet

Daub red paint all over the Town Hall steps

But can’t switch off a light or shut a bloody door against the draught;

If you don’t go ten minutes without a sugar snack and fizzy drink,

And turn vegan when you wince at cruelty to eggs,

Give up breakfast cornflakes for you can’t be arsed to wash a bowl;

Eat veggie burgers and thrill-seeking mashups all day long,

From personalised plates

Receive counselling when you hear someone ate calves’ liver;

Smoke clove cigs

Still operate your iPhone while wiping your bum

And take 2,000 selfies in a week;

If you are into Me First and body image

Wear lingerie as apparel

Cornrows and dashikis

Nude bodysuits, overly-distressed denim, graphic T-shirt profanity Califuk

And gawp out from behind oversized round opticals;

If not a square inch of your whitewashed frame is undefaced by bilious tattoos

Nor any protrusion left unpierced, un-ringed;

If you stream Bebe Rexha, Ariana Grande, Calvin Harris, Jonas Blue and Zane

And call these music;

Ifsomeone touches your hair – scream ‘Sexual assault!’

Distinguish your quinoa from your acai and your poke

Retreat to your safe space where no one can offend you,

Enjoy the degree course as your Personal Development Journey

Studying Equestrian Psychology or Ethical Hacking

Intersectionality Gender Fluidity and


Unconscious Racism and Implicit Bias

Police the pronouns

Extol chest-feeding and

Don’t forget to kiss your gestational parent

Buy that new app which measures your self-esteem

Deface Winston Churchill’s bust because he ate bananas


And say, ‘Of course I’m more Malcolm than Martin’

Then do a PhD in Oppressive Studies

Post a BLM bumper sticker on your Subaru

Hate all organised religion – except Islam;

Ifyou make of your life a Perpetual Infantilisation,

Then you’ll be woker-than-woke, my Bunnikins. 

With acknowledgements to Rudyard Kipling

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Peter Mullen
Peter Mullen
Peter Mullen is a Church of England clergyman, writer and broadcaster

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