Saturday, December 5, 2020
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I’m a Yankee Poodle Harry

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PRINCE Harry has apparently started using American figures of speech after just seven months in California with his wife Meghan Markle.

Hosting a broadcast talk show from their mansion, it was noticed he spoke about ‘popping the hood’ of a car instead of opening the bonnet, as a British person would usually say. 

Conversely, when the couple lived in Britain, Meghan’s friends said she had started using English expressions such as ‘oh, dahling’.

However, it’s Harry’s Americanisation that seems to be increasing apace. So let’s mosey on over to Highgrove House, where the phone is ringing … 

‘Howdy, Pop, it’s your fave kiddo here givin’ you a bell from the good ole US of A!’

– ‘Who is this, please?’

‘Father, it’s me, Harry.’

– ‘One’s son Harry?’

‘Sure, Pop. I mean, yes father. How y’all doing over thar in li’l ole England?’

– ‘Harry, one can’t quite make out what you are saying. You sound – how can one put this? – rather transatlantic.’

‘Now just a cotton-pickin minute there, Pop … I mean, er, you must be mishearing me, father. My cell’s probably just got a lame connection.’

–  ‘My God, you’re in a cell?’

‘No, Pop – er, father. I’m talking about my mobile phone, as we call them Stateside. Sorry, dude – my bad.’

–  ‘Harry, one is worried about you sitting all day in that large haice making rather potty statements in incomprehensible language on video. One fears you’ve gone somewhat native.’

‘Shucks, Pop, don’t worry about it. It don’t amount to a hill of beans. I’m A-OK. Period.’

–  ‘Put your wife on.’

‘The Duchess of Sussex, Countess of Dumbarton and Baroness Kilkeel here. To whom am I speaking?’

– ‘Meghan, dear, it’s your father-in-law.’

‘I’ll thank you to kindly observe the proper form of introductory protocol.’

– ‘Oh, er … let me see, Duchess. Yes, it’s His Royal Highness Prince Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, KG, KT, GCB, OM, AK, QSO, PC, ADC, Earl of Chester, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew, Lord of the Isles and Prince and Great Steward of Scotland here.’

‘That’s better. One can’t let standards slip. Now, what can one do for you? You’re concerned about Harry being Americanised?

–  ‘Yes, but I’ve just now had a word with the British Embassy in Washington and they’ve kindly formulated a message from me to Harry in the hope that he will understand it. One was hoping you would deliver it for one.’

‘And what is the message?’

–  ‘Let me see now. Ah, here we are: “Listen up, you sonofabitch Limey! Get your head out of your ass and start puttin’ food on the table, you schmuck! Godammit, you’re as crazy as popcorn on a hot stove! Yee-ha!”’

‘Thank you, your Royal Highness. One will pass it on. Harry, you dumbass, I want a word with you!’

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is an amateur local historian and wannabe best-selling novelist.

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