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In the Commons, much hairdo about nothing


HAIRDRESSERS may have to stay closed for another six months because of the risk of spreading coronavirus, according to one report.

If so, it means many of us will have to try self-snipping our hair, or just let it grow until October – including MPs. And by then, although there is a hairdresser within the Palace of Westminster, many Members will undoubtedly have grown fond of, or fed up with, their newly luxuriant locks …

The Speaker, Sir Lindsay Hoyle: ‘Order! Statement on the hairdressing situation by the Prime Minister.’

Sir Keir Starmer: ‘Point of order, Mr Speaker! I spy strangers!’

LH: ‘Strangers, Sir Keir? Where?’

KS: ‘On the Government front bench, Mr Speaker. Surely that’s Worzel Gummidge sitting there?’

LH: ‘Order! You know very well that is the Prime Minister, Sir Keir.’

KS: ‘I apologise, Mr Speaker. I can’t see his face under that big splurge of blond hair that looks like a collapsed haystack. Doesn’t he own a brush?’

LH: ‘Sit down, Sir Keir. Carry on, Prime Minister.’

Boris Johnson: ‘Thank you Mr Speaker. Excuse me a moment while I adjust my Alice band. I can’t do a thing with my unruly locks since they’ve grown so long. I must try a different conditioner.’

LH: ‘Really? I’ve had a lot of success with Pantene 3-Minute Miracle. I find its blend of nutrients, particularly the signature ingredient Pro-Vitamin B5, get right to the core of my hair to smooth and strengthen it.’

BJ: ‘Thank you for the tip, Mr Speaker. As for the comment by the Leader of the Opposition, it beggars belief how he can mock anyone’s hairstyle when he’s sporting that ridiculous self-fashioned Sid Vicious punk cut, all sticky-up and spiky. He’s not so much Max Headroom, more Max Headbanger.’

Jeremy Corbyn: ‘Point of order, Mr Speaker! I am being physically assaulted by Ian Blackford, the leader of the Scottish National Party.’

LH: ‘Order! Stop tugging the Member for Islington North’s ponytail, Mr Blackford. Mr Corbyn’s been carefully cultivating it for six months.’

IB: ‘Och, Mr Speaker, I was only having a wee bit of fun. I wanted tae see if it was real.’

LH: ‘Sit down, Mr Blackford. I must say, though, that wild, windswept, shoulder-length bush of tangled hair you’ve grown is most impressive.’

IB: ‘Och, thank you, Mr Speaker. I modelled it on Mel Gibson in Braveheart.’

LH: ‘Yes, but I’m not too sure about the blue warpaint you’ve slapped on your face. I now call Jacob Rees-Mogg! Mr Rees-Mogg, do stop reclining – you know you must stand up when you wish to speak.’

JRM: ‘I apologise Mr Speaker, but I am unable to rise. My dreadlocks have become wedged down the cushioning at the back of the bench.’

LH: ‘Very well. I call Ed Miliband.’

EM: ‘Thank you Mr … mmph .. gulp … Speak … mmph … gulp!’ 

LH: ‘Do speak clearly, Mr Miliband. I can’t make out a word you’re saying. You’re not munching on a bacon sandwich, are you? Clerk of the Commons, can you go and see if he is all right?’

Clerk: ‘It’s those mutton chop sideburns he’s grown, Mr Speaker. They’re so long that he’s sucking them into his mouth when he tries to speak and he keeps choking. I’ll escort him from the Chamber.’

LH: ‘Thank you, Mr Clerk. Things looked pretty hairy there. I call Michael Gove.’

MG: ‘Here, Mr Speaker.’

LH: ‘Mr Gove, you appear to be tangled up in Priti Patel’s flowing mane.’

MG: ‘Won’t be a moment Mr Speaker, just pulling away these last few strands.’

PP: ‘My apologies, Mr Speaker, I washed my hair this morning, but it’s grown so long that it takes ages to dry. I thought laying it out along the Government front bench might speed things up.’ (Heckler: ‘Good idea – there’s a lot of hot air there!’)

Harriet Harman: ‘Point of order, Mr Speaker! I cannot help noticing that the Right Honourable Lady has some rather alarming split ends. I can highly recommend TRESemmé Split Remedy Shampoo. It did wonders for me, reducing damage to the exposed cortex of my follicular cuticles by 80 per cent after just one application.’ 

LH: ‘I am sure the Home Secretary will be grateful for your advice. Ah, you’re disentangled, Mr Gove.’

MG: ‘Thank you Mr Speaker. As you can see from my carefully coiffed …’

Emily Thornberry: ‘Point of order, Mr Speaker! The Right Honourable Gentleman is looking rather pleased with his trendy “man bun” hairstyle with side braids. But I strongly suspect it is a wig!’

MG: ‘Mr Speaker, the Right Honourable Lady is mistaken. This is very much my own hair, carefully grown these past six months. To maintain its lustre, I treat it every day with a blend of nourishing oils, cream and waxes. To verify my hair’s authenticity, I invite the Right Honourable Lady to step over here and slide her hands through it. She will find it sleek and slippery to the touch.’

ET: ‘Yuck, what a thought! I withdraw the allegation, Mr Speaker.’

LH: ‘The Prime Minister!’

BJ: ‘Thank you, Mr Speaker. I’m afraid I cannot proceed with my statement and must ask you to immediately adjourn the session. I’ve just been handed a note informing me of an outbreak of a condition that seriously threatens the wellbeing of Members.’

LH: ‘Oh, no, not coronavirus?’

BJ: ‘No, Mr Speaker … dandruff.’

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is a wannabe best-selling novelist, one of his efforts being the Fifties Franny series, available on Amazon Kindle books.

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