Thursday, October 1, 2020
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In the Johnson camp

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AS Boris Johnson finishes his camping staycation in Scotland with fiancée Carrie Symonds, let’s look at what he might be taking along when he pitches the Tory tent back in the political field at Westminster . . .

Guy ropes: To avoid offending the LGBTQ lobby, he’d better also have some gay ropes, bi ropes, gender-neutral ropes, etc.

Spade: Whether he’ll stop digging when in a hole – ie, the lockdown shambles – remains to be seen.

Maps: Just the one, covering Barnard Castle, to be kept hidden from Dominic Cummings.

Compass: Not the moral variety, unfortunately.

Stove: With a back burner for half-baked policies.

Cookbook: Recipes include a full English Brexit, but he could end up eating humble pie.  

Midge repellent: Arecorded phone message telling whoever happens to be LibDem leader that the PM’s not available.

Clothes line: For hanging Gavin Williamson and Matt Hancock out to dry.

First aid kit: For putting a plaster on something that needs a bandage.

Leakproofer: Usually ineffective in the Cabinet.

Swiss Army knife:Lots of blades for all those cutting-edge initiatives.

Inflatable bed: Or a blow-up green leather bench for Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Spare glasses: Rose-coloured, with tunnel vision, 20/20 hindsight and several blind spots.

Air pump: For keeping egos inflated.

Box of matches: To be waved around when promising a bonfire of red tape (which will never happen).

Bottle opener: Unlikely to be used. The PM’s got to start showing some bottle first.

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is an amateur local historian and wannabe best-selling novelist.

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