Tuesday, June 22, 2021
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Innocence proved guilty

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HUMANITY’S most precious commodity could soon disappear if the current rate of exploitation continues.

Stocks of Childhood Innocence have already been wiped out in many parts of the world, where youthful vigour is exploited in order to manufacture luxury-brand mobile phones.

Curiosity has been replaced by cynicism in the thousand-yard stares of infant labourers from iPhone assembly plants in China to the Coltan mines of the Congo.

In a surprise twist, children are even being exploited in the West. Infants as young as three are being shoe-horned by competitive parents into virtue signalling devices for moral grandstanding. Naivety is a crucial component of the new Humblebrag, the latest attention-seeking affliction to sweep through Britain’s approval junkies.

Every day, parents are tapping enough sinlessness from their kids to fuel a conceit the size of Wales. Just a single Facebook post is powerful enough to inflate an ego to the size of twenty Olympic swimming pools.

Yesterday on Twitter a talk show host posted this pathetic plea for approval: ‘My three-year-old just asked, “Why don’t Brexiteers understand the new shellfish regulations?” I have no words. #SoProudOfMyChildProdigy.’

Some have defended the practice. ‘Profile lifts will help your child gain traction. Global recognition is the hack that the government doesn’t want you to know about,’ said digital transformation expert Brandon De Zeitgeist.

However, some think there is something more sinister taking place. Social media firms have built a business model that’s based on a deadly social drug, Dudgeon (AKA Dudge).

Investigators who followed the sancti-money discovered a trail that led to a group known as The Condescenti. This sect of Left-wing parents is exploiting the community by a ruthless practice of artlessness-stripping. They often target their own nephews, nieces and even their own kids. They stuff the child-carriers with fake sentiment prepared on a pine table by an expert in Psychological Projection. The deadly cargo is smuggled under the radar after being labelled as supposedly harmless social medicine, such as Progression and Diversity.

However, the youthful optimism and trust doesn’t last long. Many desperate school teachers, who lose all judgment through their addiction to Dudgeon, can blow an entire classroom’s trust on one virtue signal. Tragically many of them miss their target, especially if the BBC local news is busy that day reporting young gang murders.

Risking her dignity, our reporter infiltrated a gang called The Poser Nostra, which operates in a cloud of social media. To gain their trust, our reporter had to prove she had plenty of Condescenti currency, which goes by the names of Sancti-money and Twitcoin. Adopting the tone of Greta Thunberg’s mum, she broadcast a message to her followers. ‘My seven-year-old Oxytocia has written a concerto to celebrate the impeachment of Donald Trump,’ she tweeted.

After a nervous few minutes while algorithms strip-searched her message looking for smuggled meanings, the tweet began to gather approval. Likes and retweets began to multiply. There were even some celebrity endorsements, some with crying emoticons. This, according to our digital branding expert, is known as ‘gaining traction’. Our undercover reporter’s stock soared on the emotional currency market, the EMOTEX.

However, other competitive parents began to circle. Luckily, these were ‘half duplex’ communicators – they broadcast but don’t receive. This gave our correspondent the chance to make her excuses and leave.

As she left, one parent used the time-honoured duplicitous phrase: ‘Will someone think about the children?’

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Nick Booth
Nicholas Booth is the editor of OhThisBloodyComputer and a freelance technology writer

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