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Inside Becky’s Beeb


Rebecca Long Bailey, the Labour leadership contender, has unveiled plans for a ‘People’s BBC’ free of political interference, run by staff and the public. As part of the BBC series Inside the Factory, Gregg Wallace interviewed her about how the corporation will be re-made.

Gregg: First there was Reithianism. That worked for a long time, until they discovered it was patriarchal. Now Rebecca Long Bailey here has proposed a ‘People’s BBC’. Rebecca, do you mind showing me how it will work?

Rebecca: Let’s be very clear about this. The People’s BBC will be free of political interference and instead run by staff and the public. Unless of course they are members of the Far Right. Or Zionists.

Gregg: Hmmmm. Smells like Old Labour!

Rebecca: So, just to keep things above board, we will begin with an inquiry conducted by Shami Chakrabarti.

Gregg: Like it! Start with a whitewash. ’Ere, what about the talent? Are you going to make sure they are pure?

Rebecca: Be in no doubt, there will be no place for Far Right comedians. Shami will leave no turn unstoned.

Gregg: Sharia we come!

Rebecca: Precisely.

Gregg: So what shows could we expect from the People’s BBC?

Rebecca: Shows of strength, mainly. These will be presided over by John ‘The Teflon’ McDonnell. He’s going to be head of pogromming.

Gregg: Pogromming? Isn’t that a bit racist?

Rebecca: So, I so didn’t mean to say that. Not out loud anyway. I meant . . .

Gregg: We all know what you meant! What sort of programming can we expect from the People’s BBC?

Rebecca: It’s early days, but we like the sound of a quiz called Is Len In? hosted by Harry Hill, and a talent show that’s been pitched, Search for a Stasi.

Gregg: Get in – the gulag! What about the kids – gotta start ’em young these days, haven’t ya?

Rebecca: There’s a detection show that pits kids against their parents to reveal their incorrect beliefs and attitudes.

Gregg: Sounds like a right battle of ’Schwitz. Are there any more shows to concentrate the mind?

Rebecca: Make no mistake, people love shows. And be in no doubt, they love trials. Put them together and what have you got? Show Trials!

Gregg: One man and his dog, with a difference.

Rebecca: Our version is One Man and His Pog. The aim of the game is to drive the Brexiteers on to Leave Island.

Gregg: Darling, I think you’ve already met that target!

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Nick Booth
Nick Booth
Nick Booth is a freelance writer.

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