Sunday, October 17, 2021
HomeCOVID-19Ivan on the box (Minus ten Social Credits for not watching)

Ivan on the box (Minus ten Social Credits for not watching)

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New BBC documentary A day in the life of Our Glorious and Honourable Covid Marshals, featuring Ivan Dennison.

I DON’T know why they chose me. I am white and pale. My hair is rapidly turning grey and I long ago lost the healthy glow I had when I was ‘Pilot of the Month’ for Manx Airlines and featured on the cover of their in-flight magazine ‘Cats and Kippers’.

I met the BBC documentary team in the Health Heroes Memorial park. The director was a woman called Rashida. At least I think that was the name she mumbled. She seemed to be wearing a mask under her burka. Rashida was accompanied by a cameraperson, Dinesh, and a sound engineer, Dwayne, who carried a microphone on a long pole. Hovering in the background was a shady-looking man who wasn’t introduced. He said nothing to me, wore dark glasses, and occasionally whispered something into Rashida’s ear.

I was introduced to my partner for the day, Jasmine, a woman of colour. Jasmine is thickset and taller than me. I detected traces of stubble above and below her mask. She wears trousers, perhaps to hide her large thighs. When we shook our sanitised, gloved hands she nearly broke my little finger. Jasmine’s English is not very good. She told me she was a Grade 2 Marshal but I wonder if she is an actress. There have been very few people like me on the BBC in recent years so perhaps I was chosen to meet their diminishing quota for white middle-aged men.

The BBC has been commissioned by the Central Committee for NetZero and ZeroCovid to make a public information film about the work of Covid Marshals. Minus ten Social Credits will be the punishment for anyone not watching.

As we moved around the park I noticed that offenders approached us rather than dispersing, as they usually do. Consequently, the fines came thick and fast. Coughing in a public place (200 Britcoins and minus five social credits); drinking coffee on a bench at an unapproved location (250 Britcoins and minus ten social credits); unlawful possession of a steak and kidney pie (insect-only diet for one month); outdated vaccination record on microchip (an enforced booster and six months re-education training in Scotland);  not wearing an NHS rainbow badge (rainbow tattoo to be imprinted on neck); perambulating outside of permitted Zone (quarantine for 20 days); giving excessive eye contact to a Grade 2 Covid Marshal (rainbow patch to be worn for ten days on left eye and a 300 Britcoin fine)

Within an hour we had surpassed our fines quota for the day, but by then it had become apparent to me that all the felons were actors.

The morning had clearly gone well for Rashida and her crew, but on our return to the BBC diesel (exempted) powered bus, Jasmine spotted an old man collecting wood. She dashed towards him and battered him with her truncheon. For a moment I thought this was another staged event but it transpired he was not an actor but was looking for firewood to burn (illegally) to keep warm. The ambulance took an age to arrive as they were all recharging. I decided not to issue a fine. Jasmine later apologised and blamed her attack on her transitioning medication reacting with the latest booster.

I was sent a copy of the documentary. Fortunately, it mainly focuses on Jasmine. Perhaps my lack of enthusiasm, my round shoulders and wooden posture saved me further embarrassment.

The heat pump has now packed up completely and we are told that because of problems at the Uigher work camps, the replacement from China will take at least six months to arrive. A long cold winter is in prospect.

Things must change.

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John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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