Sunday, May 26, 2024
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Jabs ‘R’ Us


IT IS reported that the government is committed to buying millions of doses of Covid-19 ‘vaccines’ which are in danger of being wasted before their ‘Use By’ date. Consequently, pop-up ‘Jab Centres’ are about to be opened in all cities and large towns. This initiative will complement government plans to regenerate the High Street. 

To advertise the roll-out, an advertisement has been commissioned to be shown in cinemas and on TV from next week.

A masked person of colour and indeterminate sex enters the Jab Centre. The customer is wearing gloves, dark glasses and a hood.

An attractive young woman of Asian extraction, wearing a visor, approaches the customer.

‘Good morning, how can I help you?’

‘Yes, it’s been some time since my last injection, and I was wondering what you had on offer.’

‘Well, here at the Jab Centre we pride ourselves on our vast range of the latest injectable products. Take, for example, the tried and trusted Oxford/AstraZeneca “vaccine”. Close your eyes for a moment and imagine the dreaming spires, the quadrangles, the learned professors deep in thought, wandering around in their gowns with heavy tomes under each arm. Soon they will be slaving away with their pipettes and test tubes to make yet more life-changing discoveries for the good of humankind. We are so proud of this British pace-maker. It’s particularly valuable for those with thin blood that needs a little more body.

‘On this shelf you can find one of our most sought-after injectables, the Pfizer/BioNTech. This is very popular with people who feel that nature has not been kind to them in the composition of their DNA, and that some modifications would improve their health and wellbeing. In fact some customers say it makes their heart flutter soon after taking it, and we all need a bit of romance in our lives, don’t we! This one is also perfect as a present for any teenagers in your family especially those who may have been a little awkward in their younger years.

‘A similar product is this one from Moderna. Think of it, doesn’t the very name Moderna fill you with confidence? It’s like having the latest iPad, or driving a new electric Porsche. It too works with your DNA to fight off the nasty germs. It is called Spikevax, because it produces trillions of little spike proteins that will rush round your body attaching themselves to anything in its path. Just think of all the valuable effects those tiny warriors will have in your body.

‘If you are looking for something a little more exotic, we also stock a couple of imports from the Far East. Why not try a Sinovax or a Sinopharm? I’m sure you know how good the Chinese are at everything to do with viruses, so you can rest assured that one or both of these products will bat away the virus.

‘Over here we have another exciting “vaccine” from Russia. The Sputnik V is very popular in Eastern Europe and with a name like Sputnik you can understand why that is. The Russians have always been very good at putting things into space, hacking and making lots of tanks so it’s natural that making a little thing like this is no problem for Ivan and Svetlana.

‘Oh, I nearly forgot! For this week only we are offering Two for One on certain ranges. These include the GSK/Sanofi, the Bharat Biotech, the Johnson and Johnson and Curevac. Not only that but every customer leaves with a signed photograph of Susan Michie, and a voucher for Chicken McNuggets with fries.’

‘That’s great – thank you so much for your advice. I think I’ll take two of each of those, and one of all the others. You can’t be too careful.’

‘A wise choice, if I may say so. I’m sure we won’t be seeing you here again for some considerable time. There you are, with your supply of needles. Stay safe!’

‘Oh! I do like the packaging on some of those. I’ll add them to my collection.’

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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