Tuesday, September 28, 2021
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Jabtastic!

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IT IS reported that so-called ‘influencers’ are being paid by the government to persuade young people to take the Covid-19 injection. One such is Xan Xac (personal pronoun Xi/Her/Him). TCW has collated extracts from one of Xi’s/his/her recent Instagram broadcasts. Xan’s 77million followers across the world are known as the Xi Gang.

‘Hi guys! I hope you’ve all had the awesome new jab! They are, like, totally, jabtastic! They have been developed by clever boffins in white coats. You know the type. They are probably called Bruce or Brenda and wander about in laboratories talking to each other about algebra or parallelograms and other things to do with science. You know the clever stuff the nerds in class talk about because they have no clue about cool stuff like Nike’s Space Hippie shoes. I saw some of them in an old film once when the Americans landed some men on Mars.

‘Well sometimes nerdy boffins like Bruce are like, totally, totally, cool. Now they’ve developed this amazing jab that will keep you safe from, like, diseases and other stuff. I got jabbed last week. TBH I got a bit of a rash and a sore arm but I’m back to my Xantastic self! Now I am totally safe from something that might have given me a bad cold and tickly cough. What’s even better is that I have another in a few weeks and I then will be able to travel to really cool places like the Falkland Islands and St Helena. They also gave me a sticker with a rainbow and a smiley face. How totally cool is that?

Talking about smiley faces, did you see those really trendy dudes on old-type telly recently? Apparently, they have won a country called Carpool or something. Don’t you just love their beards, and their dark-brown eyes, and, like, don’t get me started on their totally fabulous outfits. They are totally dope! I think Gucci are, like, on the case and I have a feeling baggy trousers, turbans and XL shirts will be the next big thing here. Watch this space!

‘Anyway back to the jabby thingy. There are, like, lots of special offers on right now. I have heard that Asda will give you a £10 clothes voucher when you have been jabbed. Now I know you are totally wetting yourselves and wondering when they started to stock Nike, Jordan, Van or Adidas, but maybe you could give the voucher to your uncle, or a tramp or someone you really don’t like. 

‘I know some of you are, like, quite brainy and have recently got lots of A-grades. Respect! Well, if you are going to Sussex Uni you can enter a raffle to win, like, £5,000 when you have been given at least two of the wonderful jabs. That is so totally cool! Sometimes I wish I had tried harder with my Drama and Gender Studies GCSEs . . . only kidding!

‘OMG! I have just seen that Deliveroo and Just Eat are to give discounts to those of us who get, like, two of the jabs. It’s amazing to see how these companies totally care so much about your health. So if you have clots or palpitations after the jab you can get pizza or kebabs delivered to your door, cut-price. A-mazing!

‘On the subject of food, today’s totally fab dish is Bolani. It is, like, the street food in Carpool where the cool guys with the beards hang out. My cat Xinderella is a big fan of the leftovers.

‘So let’s all give a big Xi Gang hand to Bruce and his gang whose jabs have totally saved us from all sorts of things we can’t see that are, like, lurking all around us and about to attack.

‘I don’t believe it! The latest from the boffins is that we can have, like, regular boosters. Wow! It just gets more totally awesome! Maybe when we get them they’ll give us some really cool gear from Gucci, or toiletries from Telemachus or Emoticon.’

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John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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