This is the second of Dick Berk’s letters from America explaining to British fascists why the Democrats are the obvious party of choice for the US electorate. You can read his first here.
Dear British people
AS Chancellor of the best public university in the world, I have been asked to explain to you imperialists why American politics is so much better than yours. We have the wokest team ever to run for the executive office, while you have a Conservative Party! And you voted it into political administration! I’m just grateful that your civil servants still wag that dog. But don’t get complacent, woke Britons! I hear your higher education attendance rate is barely 50 per cent, let alone a secure majority.
Now, let me speak to the rest of you. Tragically, Brexit and your last general election prove that fascists are still in the majority. So my heart is bleeding directly to you. You’re ignorant, which, as I always say, is not your fault: you just lack the right sort of education. (By ‘right’ I mean correct. Progressives need to reclaim that word, because we’re right, because we’re left.) Think of me as the world’s educator.
First off: You probably think that presidential candidate Joe Biden looks pale, male, and stale. But I am living proof that old white men can be black, feminist, and childish on the inside.
I’ll admit that I used to be sceptical about the insides of Joseph Robinette Biden Jr, but he really proved me wrong when he shortened his name to Joe Biden. I prefer to call him JoBi, because three syllables is one too many, but I’m progressive like that. You conservatives wouldn’t understand the importance of simplifying everything.
You might have heard that he’s 78 years old and would be the oldest president ever. But he knows how to bring it like a masked AntiFa protester with a Molotov cocktail. As he told the Democratic National Convention, Trump’s presidency has been an era of darkness. And that’s not racist, because Trump is white.
You might still be stuck on JoBi’s whiteness. I admit that’s a problem. But he has promised that he would prevent racism by discriminating by race.
He’d make a great academic.
And his skin colour is a boon in appealing to superficial white people, whom we’ve abandoned. Check out JoBi in a polo shirt driving a classic car. He makes it working class by promising that, when he’s president, America will build cars again.
JoBi earned the Democratic Party’s nomination for President of the United States by getting affirmatory. Take his latest policy: he’s ‘going to make sure the future is made in America’.
Trump would make the future abroad, or make the past in America, or endless present – one or the other. As a historian, let me tell you: everything in the past is wrong, and that includes today. If you disagree, then you’re no progressive. JoBi gets it. As he said, he knows the history and heart of this country, and they both need to change.
JoBi has chosen as running-mate somebody who is even more black, feminist, and childish. Kamala Harris has been described as every colour except white, which is as good as anyone can get.
Some people have said that with only one black parent she’s not black enough to call herself black, but they don’t understand how this works. Anyway, she once tweeted that black women can’t lead, run, or win on their own.
So if you don’t affirm black female incapacity, you’re the bigot here.
Let’s take the Hispanic/Latinx community for granted. That leaves the Asians. Her mother is Indian, which is somewhat Asian, so she can claim the Asians too. Not the wrong sort of Asians (you know, the racist ones – they’re almost white). Frankly, we have too many of them in my university: they oppose affirmative action, for instance. Well, they would, wouldn’t they? They’re the majority of students in higher education. That’s just selfish. They’re next for cancellation, once we’ve dealt with the whites. And by ‘whites,’ you know I am not being racist, because I don’t judge whiteness by the colour of a person’s skin, but by their colour inside. Some of my best friends are white, although they’re black inside, like me.
Kamala Harris, or KaHa as I call her, is all the right sort of colours. That should be enough for you. But I remember you’re ignorant, so I guess I need to tell you more.
Well, she’s the right sort of gender too: that is, anything but binary male. Nothing screams feminist-with-compassion-for-transgenders like sitting in your office by a poster of Wonderwoman in skimpy shorts and bustier.
I’ll admit: JoBi needed a real feminist here. Try as he might, he has never escaped his lifelong use of the male pronoun. But he’s always preferred the company of women.
That reminds me: I need to quash some rumours that might have reached your island over the last five years, before the news media realised that ignoring a story is better than refuting it. (I have no idea if you get CNN there, although I hear the BBC does a good job of repeating whatever it says.) Some women have accused him of sexual harassment, but we can assume they’re conservatives who don’t recognise feminism when they’re looking at it. When you see him massaging the shoulders of the wife of a new Defence Secretary, that’s feminism (lean in, girlfriend). When he sniffs the hair of young girls, that’s their first lesson in feminism (get empowered, bitches).
As KaHa said, ‘Americans deserve a president who is compassionate, empathetic, and will fight every single day for working families.’ He’s so much all of those things that he can’t keep his hands off them.
You might have heard him described as ‘Creepy Joe’, but that’s too many syllables, for one thing. Furthermore, you conservatives need to stop taking evidence from what you see and start accepting what you’re told. He’s been described as ‘Sleepy Joe’ too, but that just proves that ‘Creepy Joe’ isn’t real.
That reminds me of something else: I need to quash some rumours about JoBi’s brain. Sure, he slurs and forgets what he’s saying, but incoherence is a side-effect of wokeness: we’re just more emotional than conservatives. Donald Trump mis-spoke ‘Thailand’ as ‘thighland’. And he said ‘Second World War’ when he was talking about the Spanish influenza, which proves you can’t trust anything he says on Covid either. If we progressives can’t win with this goldmine, we don’t deserve to win.
I have no idea what KaHa’s policies are, but who cares? I get her tweets. She is so woke you can be assured that she would make the correct choices after you’ve voted for her.
She knows where the votes are. She tweeted that student voting rights are critical. https://twitter.com/KamalaHarris/status/1288172485406597121 I was astounded to learn that students too are prevented from voting in this country. Thank you for that airing that conspiracy, KaHa.
And if you still want policies, check this out: KaHa wants the US Postal Service to deliver things. https://twitter.com/SenKamalaHarris/status/1291145436980543497 That’s the single issue that will return progressives to the White House. But there’s more! She wants to give every American $2,000 per month. And she proved it was the best policy by asking people by Twitter whether they want $2,000 every month.
And she’s ready to declare any police officer who ever killed any person of colour as a murderer, without waiting for that tedious process of a criminal investigation. And all illegal immigrants ‘belong here.’
And she supports science.That’s so profound. (However, make sure you listen to only left-leaning scientists. Let’s keep academia right-free.) KaHa has the best sort of scientific understanding. As she once Tweeted: ‘Trump knows he’s going to lose, although that’s going to happen only if every single one of us makes it happen.’
As JoBi says, we can’t give Trump four more years to alter the character of this nation.
Instead, let JoBi and KaHa alter it for ever. Or you’re a progress-hater.