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Saturday, September 19, 2020
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Home News Jogging Johnson and a load of physical jerks

Jogging Johnson and a load of physical jerks

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BORIS Johnson says he’s taking Britain into battle against obesity, because being overweight puts you at increased risk from coronavirus.

Since recovering from Covid-19 and vowing to fight the flab himself, he has been seen out jogging and even doing press-ups in Downing Street, to prove his claim that he is now ‘fit as a butcher’s dog.’

(Well, that may or may not be the case. As he announced his ‘build, build’ programme for national recovery this week, Mr Johnson still looked rather well-built – unless that was all muscle under his generously-proportioned suit) 

However, we can now reveal the programme of special exercises the Prime Minister and his advisers have been following to try to stay on form during the lockdown …

The Durham Detox

Method: Stretch your credibility as far as you can – let’s say 500 miles – then apply some spin to return to your previous position without damaging your prospects. 

The Lockdown Legover 

Method: Run around telling everyone to isolate, then join a lady friend for a horizontal jogging session.

The reclining pseud

Method: Sit on a green leather bench in the House of Commons, ease yourself into a supine position, assume a smug expression and relax.

The Jenrick Jolt

Method: Grab a set of £1billion Desmond Property Development Dumbbells and bend over backwards to lift them clear within 24 hours.

The Waffle Workout 

Method: No details are known of this exercise, thought to involve doing flip-flops over lockdown policy. But one source said it involves ministers talking ‘a load of metabolics’.

The Diddly Squat

Method: Position yourself in charge of the country, but do nothing as it goes to rack and ruin.

Meanwhile, there has been a resurgence of exercise in the wider community, including …

The Chairobic Challenge

Method:Snatch-lift the TV remote control and pump your index finger repeatedly at the buttons as you channel-surf while furloughed at home on 80 per cent pay.

The Bristol Bicep Booster

Method: Find a statue, make up a totally implausible grievance against it, become outraged, attach a rope to it and pull it down.

The Patella Push 

Method: Go down on one knee for eight minutes. Repeat at every opportunity and see your virtue develop impressively.

The BLM Burn

Method: Meet up in Parliament Square for this popular weekend wokeness-massaging session. Don’t worry if you can’t follow what’s happening, you’ll be led by the nose. 

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is an amateur local historian and wannabe best-selling novelist.

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