Junior Lefties say the deepest things!

Have you noticed that Left-wingers’ children always say the profoundest things? Luckily, their parents are quick to share them with the world.

My Left-wing friend said his five-year-old looked up at him and said: ‘Daddy, why does the Russian government want to prop up a patriarchal hegemony by interfering in the US elections with confected narratives that appeal to the base emotions of the disenfranchised white working class? Why would anyone do that, dad, why?’ My socialist friend said he had no answer. But he was truly humbled by the wisdom of his child. Yes, humbled.

So, like all people who have just been debased, humiliated and generally made to feel less important, he immediately took to social media to describe the experience to his followers.

His story retweeted itself, along with the appropriate emojis. First as ‘tragedy face’, then as ‘farce’.

In response, his legions of Netbot followers went crazy. (You can’t make it in social media without automated retweeters. It’s not immoral, as long as they’re Left-wing Netbots. Everything is justified if you’re ‘fighting fascism’. Misogyny, sheep bothering, bullying. They’re all ok as long as you’re carrying a ‘Fighting Fascism’ card. Dammit, you can adopt the Big Lie tactics pioneered by the Third Reich, as many BBC ‘news satire’ programmes do to attack Donald Trump.

(When this ‘fighting fascism with fascism’ anomaly was pointed out to one of its writers, I was told it was a legitimate tactic to ‘win the narrative’, or something. I’ll have to go through my tweets to find the exact phrase he used. Still, what a load of Goebellers).

Back to the humble bragging. In response to this machine-generated Twitter storm, one of my Left-wing friend’s human followers issued a competitive offering of child genius.

Azza Woman – seemingly a global representative for the voice of feminity – has a similarly precocious North London child. And ‘As a Woman’, she felt it important to compete with the male humble bragger. Now that humility has been weaponised by the Left, modesty is a dog-eat-dog world. When you walk into a meeting, a corporate empathy leader told me, you’ve gotta be the humblest guy in the room.

Azza Woman, whose Twitter profile lists her virtues as mother, partner, activist, freedom fighter, Socialist, corporate empathy guru and brand alignment strategist, had a competitive humbling experience involving her daughter. Four-year-old Primrose asked: ‘Mummy, why do the Tories want to resist all progress? Are they driven by an unconscious desire to take us back to an age when they felt more comfortable? How can we make them realise that those conditions could never be recreated and the world must move? How do we educate them, mummy? How, mummy, how?’

Azza Woman sobbed as she typed these words into her tweet, more in sorrow than in anger. That’s a race to the bottom. When they go low, Azza Woman goes high.

Soon other children of the Left were taking to social media, with the help of their parents, and sharing their insights into the human condition. Emma Luvvie’s children (rumoured to be privately tutored in social media insights at the Condescentii School of Moral Grandstanding) shared some very poignant messages that would help put everything into perspective.

‘In a way, Harvey Weinstein is a victim too – of the patriarchy,’ her gender-fluid six-year-old, Oxytocia, had told her in the kitchen, adding: ‘When I grow up, I want to find a cure for toxic masculinity.’

‘So, I’m #ReallyProud,’ tweeted Luvvie. And needless to say: #Humbled.

The Conservative Woman

  • Owen_Morgan

    The left is “educating” the West out of existence. Ever more children spend more than a decade at school and can still barely read at the end of that. Universities are presented with tabulae rasae and they respond in two ways. They try to rectify the failure of the schooling: pretending that, for example, an A-grade French language A-level is authentic, despite all the evidence to the contrary, but genuinely trying to produce a real linguist. Eventually, the student can speak French.

    Or they exploit the blank slate in another way, scratching on to it their marxist dogma.

    • CRSM

      If you want to get your child to speak a foreign language, start teaching him/her at three years old.

      • TheRightToArmBears

        and socialism is a very foreign language.

    • Bik Byro

      In my experience, the university typically responds in a third way : take the vast sum of money that the student has raised through getting him/herself in massive debt for, pay themselves big salaries, have trebles all round and not really give a toss about what happens to the student.

      • Paul Robson

        The system has moved up the food chain, not being allowed to fail for financial reasons, teachers/lecturers cheating. I’m amazed how little students do at University nowadays. It seems to be three day weeks 25 week years.

        • Muttley

          That’s the downside of making them pay for university: they’ve stopped being students under the rules of an institution and have become “customers” whose every whim must be indulged. Plus, at the end, they must take away the degree they’ve paid for, whether they deserve it or not.

          • Bik Byro

            You’ve hit the nail straight on the head.

          • gunnerbear

            “Plus, at the end, they must take away the degree they’ve paid for, whether they deserve it or not.” Brilliantly cynical and accurate….

        • Bik Byro

          Absoutely. Not to mention the growing demands on University staff pension pots which is the massive issue that nobody wants to bring to people’s attention right now.
          But the issue of university staff pensions has frightening consequences. It means that the education system is practically forced down the path it is currently forging: get more fee-paying students in through the doors to generate the necessary cash, regardless of the student ability and the academic outcome.

        • JabbaPapa

          Dumb down the degrees, and there’s your result — a lot of it is just a mechanism to keep these people off the unemployment figures for a few extra years.

      • martianonlooker

        You’re a £500K Vice-Chancellor. With that sort of inside wisdom, you have to be……which university?

      • gunnerbear

        “Trebles all round…” You are Ian Hislop and I claim my fiver…. 🙂

        • Bik Byro

          I am indeed Ian Hislop as any fule kno

          • gunnerbear

            ‘Nuff Said… 🙂

  • Pozieres

    I’m sure you made this up. Nobody can be that stupid.

    • SimonToo

      Gosh! Are you sure?

    • Malcolm Marchesi

      Oh they can ……….indeed they can , and often are !

    • Bik Byro

      I had a cursory Google of “Azza woman twitter” and could not immediately see any valid search results, so yes, I suspect it is a tongue-in-cheek article.
      Azza Woman does sound a fantastic name for a parody account though if anyone feels tempted for some mischief.

    • Fubar2

      Don’t you believe it.

  • Steve Cairns

    I asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to
    be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

    Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were
    Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?”

    She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”

    Her parents beamed, and said, “Welcome to the Labour Party!”

    “Wow…what a worthy goal!” I told her. I continued, “But you don’t have to wait until you’re
    Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull
    weeds, sweep my drive and I’ll pay you £25. Then I’ll take you over to the
    grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the £25 to use
    toward food.”

    She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the
    £25?”

    I smiled and said:

    “Welcome to the Conservative Party.”

    • Paul Robson

      That’s brilliant 🙂

    • Labour_is_bunk

      Tut tut – you know very well that as soon as a Labour PM crosses the threshold at No.10, a magic wand is waved and all the homeless disappear and no-one suffers from “poverty” anymore.

      • Fubar2

        Au contraire. They can’t all disappear… What other basis would there be for maintaining the punitive struggle if everything were fixed? That’s why socialism never ever delivers. Ever. Anywhere.

        • therealguyfaux ✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

          Jezza Corbyn, if he were honest about it: “Cure ourselves out of a job? Are you daft? Why would we ever want to do that?”

        • Harley Quin

          Yes. Socialism is always in a constant state of construction,

        • Labour_is_bunk

          Tongue in cheek, of course.
          The corollary of my statement is that once the Wicked Tories get back in, they all magically reappear.

    • Terry Mushroom

      Excellent. And will use this, if you don’t mind.

      • Steve Cairns

        I believe the joke started life in America referring to the Republican
        / Democrat parties. There are a number of different versions posted online reflecting
        different countries left / right politics. I am in no way clever enough to have made it
        up myself, something I should have made clear in the original post.

        • R.Celica

          You’re forgiven. I just hope to remember it well enough to be able to use it when needed.

        • captainslugwash

          The ‘grocery store’ gave you away 😉

    • 39 Pontiac Dream

      Brilliant story! 🙂

    • MacGuffin

      That made me smile.

    • Labour_is_bunk

      Amusing, yes – but I have two problems with this:

      1) You have Labour-supporting friends?
      2) We no longer have a Conservative party as such

    • gunnerbear

      The issue with that as an employer you’re not keen on paying a fair days pay for a fair days work….. 🙂

  • SimonToo

    I weep, I weep.

  • Mike Fowle

    Very funny. But sadly all too true.

  • Muttley

    LOL. Very funny because it’s not that far from the truth. It is a particular affliction of leftists and their indoctrinated children. I remember a while back a mother posted a video which went viral of her cute little girl, aged around, six rather alarmingly parroting the usual leftist claptrap. They start the process early and it’s continued through school and university until they go out into the world as perfect little snowflakes with all the standard-issue opinions.

    • Dr Thompson’s Thought Crimes

      Maybe its because socialism is a religion with all the same blindness and needs to indoctrinate. I brought mine up to think for their selves and to learn how to debate by arguing with me. Something they are now rather good at

      • Muttley

        Good for you … even if you’re now beginning to regret it! But seriously, the left will not tolerate dissent and that obviously extends to their own children. Let’s hope the little b*ggers do the decent thing and rebel.

  • suemary

    I must be a failure as a mother (am I still allowed to use that word ‘mother’?) my children just talk about stuff like school and sport and playing out and food…

    • thamesmud

      Sounds like you have normal well adjusted kids. Well done!

    • Morris Jasper

      If they’re not giving you a neo-Marxist critique of structural oppression, over the family breakfast table, I’m afraid to say you have failed spectacularly. In fact, having anything as petit-bourgeois as a family breakfast, further implies you no kind of Marxist at all.

      • suemary

        Sob… I repent and family breakfast will be banned

        • a misplaced modifier

          So I should think! Off to Room 101 with you!

          • suemary

            Sob, sob… oh please have mercy…

  • Love it.

  • Paul Robson

    I actually got 2/3 of the way though before I realised it was satire ….. there was some kid who was retweeted endlessly being incredibly po faced. They’re just echoing their parents.

  • JohnInCambridge

    Excruciatingly apt but what’s the solution? A decent recession probably wouldn’t be enough to silence north London champagne socialists. Famine and civil war might be a fix but that’s not a lot of fun and would definitely interfere with the Christmas shopping.

    • Fubar2

      The solution is to close down the totally pointless ego massaging echo chamber that is Twitter. The only true thing that David Cameron ever said in his political life was about Twitter.

      • Noise

        The primary function of Twitter appears to be as a brain hack for government to read the brainfarts of the illiterati without having to raise the legal paperwork associated with hacking your facebook (which was causing much ethical dilemma at the time).

    • Dodgy Geezer

      Pull the money. Only way…

    • Paul Robson

      They’d just blame Brexit, or the Tories anyway.

      They have no problem with criticising Tories for blaming Labour for the deficit (Tories should be, but for not reducing it fast enough) but have no problem blaming the whole world faults on a woman who has been dead four years and out of power for nearly 30.

      And of course, prior to 1979 we had a socialist utopia. Grunwick was a children’s cartoon character , apparently and the IMF were something to do with Thunderbirds.

  • Morris Jasper

    Lol. I very much doubt any of these thing happened, it all just sounds far too improbable … Oh!

  • Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells

    Excellent. Straight from the Communist handbook on disinformation.

    Many years ago when working in Belgrade (circa 1980) for fun and to pass the time I would listen to Albania’s Radio Tirana, “the voice of communism from the world’s only true communist state”.

    Apparently tourists would visit an Albanian ball bearings factory and be interviewed afterwards. The interviewer would say something to the effect of… “Mr Smith visiting from London was asked his thoughts about Albabnia’s ball bearing production”. Mr Smith – obviously British – would reply “Yes, very interesting, I enjoyed my visit” and the announcer would continue and say something to the effect of “Mr Smith continued to say he was delighted with the Communist methods and was so impressed he wished that England could follow such excellent working practices and realised the superiority of the Communist means of production” etc etc

  • TheInternetToughGuy

    Funniest article of the week. Bravo!

  • therealguyfaux ✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

    Children-as-sock puppets is old news. I’m old enough to remember the “Mother, will the USA and USSR blow up the world?” ban-nukes appeals to emotion. The difference is, that fictitious child from the 1960’s used age-appropriate language when (s)he asked rhetorical questions.

  • Unspeakable Pervert

    Lefties invariably claim to have had some kind of ‘Road To Damascus’ moment at a tender age which turned them that way, too. Amongst Prog Yanks of a certain age it’s invariably a variation on:

    “I said, “Mommy, why is that man eating at a separate counter ?”

    Over here the Miners’ Strike usually gets a look in, even amongst those who weren’t even born in the 80s.

    Why they need to lie – and they are lies: far from being spontaneously altruistic, kiddies are self-obsessed little fascists all the way – Lord knows, but they all seem to have one of these back stories ready concocted. I guess it could be called Retrospective Virtue Signaling

    • Muttley

      Retrospective Virtue Signalling. I like it!

      • TriggerWarning

        I believe the University of Kent offer a 3 year degree course in the subject.

  • Ravenscar

    #tweet the awful truth, no matter how ugly it is – has Britain surrendered?

    not more appeasement – way to go theresa, always the follower never the leader.

  • Trojan

    Great article, thanks for making me titter.
    But it made me feel nostalgic for the days when there were real left wing intellectuals who wore corduroy jackets with leather patches on the elbows, and looked similar to the young Kenneth Barlow; men who read Crossman in the New Statesman and glanced at the Daily Herald, had Bertrand Russell’s History of Western Philosophy on their coffee tables, had polished wooden floors and marched to Aldermaston on Easter weekends but nevertheless engaged in argument rather than virtue signalling

  • R.Celica

    This article is just fake news designed to show progressive thinking in a bad light. My teenaged child is still struggling with the the concept of dialectical materialism despite being read to from Das Kapital every night from the age of five. Obviously I should have started much earlier. A lesson learned.

    • discoveredjoys

      Top Marx for your efforts though.

  • hugodegauche

    most lefties have serious mental health issues. They are disruptive personalities but generally due to innate middle class caution, also very weak and conflicted. They are the sort of people who get beaten up at school and then take it out on the cat, before then – in shame – donating their pocket money to the RSPCA. The reason they are “winning” is that they understand that democracy can allow the weakest to be exploited. Conservatives who are inherently decent and honourable are still under the impression that the truth can win out.

    • gunnerbear

      “Conservatives who are inherently decent and honourable are still under the impression that the truth can win out.” That is some of the best satire I’ve read in years….

  • marshall

    Jimmy Carter started it as far back as 1980 when he revealed that little Amy didn’t want a nuclear war. Everyone else, of course, just couldn’t wait for one to start.

  • Lakesman

    Interestingly, at the age of five, or even fifteen, I couldn’t give two hoots about politics, let alone construct a political thesis whilst I was being put to bed.

    Bless, these Lefties have imaginary children even when they are supposed adults!

  • Harley Quin

    Lovely stuff, Conservative Woman.

  • Michael McDermott

    Perhaps you also write for “EOOT”

    • Nick Booth

      what’s EOOT?

  • grrlpower

    How do you feel about the fact that this Tory government’s days are numbered?

    With each day that passes, Jeremy Corbyn looks more and more like the real occupant of Number Ten.

    Soon, Corbyn will take power and radically transform Britain for ever, into a more equal and fairer society.

    • Harley Quin

      Yes, just like Cambodia ?

      • grrlpower

        No, not really.

      • gunnerbear

        I’m not sure that you’ll get much rice growing in Norfolk…..

    • Nick Booth

      I think if you believe that Corbyn will create equality, you are quite self deluding

      Also, it will massively affect your marketability, as no TV station will want a shouty reactionary who hates the government, as they will be in power.

      You’ll be out of a job. have you thought about that?

    • Thought Criminal 99

      Where are you going to build the gulags?

      • gunnerbear

        The Isle of Wight…..s’about 1962 there anyway…..

    • whs1954

      Spare us your self-righteousness and nauseating sanctimony. Jeremy Corbyn is a tiresome man who has done nothing of note in his life except gather all his ideas and thoughts from the Paint-by-Numbers book of leftie platitudes.

    • Rintintin

      You’re right, it will be radical transformation. The question is how much damage will he do? I can hardly wait to have Chauncey Gardiner in charge. Not.

    • JabbaPapa

      **** ooooooh, drrrrling, I’d love to cop a feel up your heaving shirt front !!! ****

    • Harley Quin

      Yes he does, Which just goes to show the desperate pass the Tory Party has sunk to.

    • Harley Quin

      Equal misery.

    • PutinCooksSocks

      Amazing! I can’t think why nobody has tried this before!

      Is it because broad, sweeping generalities fall apart when they encounter real world, practical, mundane difficulties?

    • StewDeva

      Wow…the genuine voice of a five year old…or alternatively a five year old mentality

    • chrisjones2

      Yes…a man who couldn’t cope with a GQ photoshoot will do all that. Bless

  • c50

    Would you rather they march in time to the national anthem, do as their told and wear black shirts with pictures of the royal family on? Like they do in Eton?

    • Gloria Hole

      If it stops their parents taking to twitter and lying because their lives are empty, like yours, then yes.

      • c50

        Hole. You are joking.Hole. Beckett has a whole novel dealing with the holes; vacuous; lonely and empty objectless voids.

  • evad666

    Surely this must be a shining example of AI, or the product of a Kremlin bot factory in a Warehouse near Moscow airport?.

  • Thats_news

    Any child who speaks like that should be beaten severely. But as what they say is from the febrile imagination of the person posing as their parent, the parent should be beaten severely, instead. It’s the only language these people understand. (He says, heavy on the irony.)