Friday, June 18, 2021
HomeNewsKnees bent, heads bowed – come on, England!

Knees bent, heads bowed – come on, England!

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IT IS reported that England football manager Gareth Southgate gave his team a severe dressing down following their recent friendly against Romania.

‘Quite frankly, they were just not good enough,’ he told TCW. ‘The reaction of the crowd said it all. Unless some of them work harder they can expect a long wait on the subs’ bench. We have lots of young lads in the squad who are just itching to get out there and perform better than that lot. To say I was as sick as a parrot is an understatement.

‘If you want to play for this team you have to do more than defend well and put a few balls in the back of the net. As Bill Shankly said, you have to realise that something is going on that is much bigger than kicking a ball around for ninety minutes.

‘I’ll make no bones about it, some of the kneeling out there was diabolical! I’m naming no names but it was clear some of them couldn’t wait to get up and start playing. This was despite all the tactical meetings and kneeling practice we have been putting in for the past three weeks. 

‘The entire coaching team got stuck in straight after the match. Before dinner we had an intensive two-hour session on critical race theory. Before lights out we spent another two hours discussing white privilege, and I’m pleased to say some of the lads gave testimony about how ashamed they were for being white.

‘Before breakfast the next day we had an hour of kneeling practice. To be perfectly honest I’m still not happy with the expressions on some of their faces. Until they learn how to bow their heads properly and shed a tear or two, we will never become top-flight representatives for what BLM stands for. The rest of the morning was taken up with lectures about the evils of slavery and colonialism with specific reference to the wickedness of the English. 

‘After lunch we held a three-hour Zoom meeting in which Nicola Sturgeon told the squad about the history of English oppression and how they are continuing to terrorise Scotland. This should set them up well for their match against the Jocks.’

Clearly distraught, the England supremo concluded, ‘By late afternoon several members of the squad were in tears telling me they had no idea how evil they were. When England get knocked out in the first stage of the Euros I hope you bear in mind the trauma they have suffered these past few weeks.’

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John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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