Families who earn up to £300,000 per year are to receive early their childcare allowance worth up to £2,000 per child, per year. The Government believes that these families are struggling badly with cost of hiring a nanny so it is crucial that the handout is accelerated.
A source close to the some bloke called Dave, said: “Although the PM cannot speak right now as he is making a very important phone call to someone very important, we believe that nanny costs for Humphrey and Tabitha have gone through the solar-panelled roof. As such these hard-working families, who are teetering on the edge of financial ruin, really need this money asap.”
When asked if the hard-working families who earn less than £40,000 a year and have sacrificed a salary to care for their children at home, would receive the transferable tax allowance of £200 early, the reply was “What? Em, no.”
When pushed to explain the discrepancy the source added: “Well you see the truth is these are not Tory voters. Twenty year ago, yes they would have voted for the Conservatives. True, they loved Thatcher because she fought for them. She had their interests at heart. She could identify with them being a grocer’s daughter.”
The No 10 source continued: “But let’s face it we lost these voters years ago because we are useless and we are perceived – unfairly mind – as being out of touch, rich, Tory toffs.
“I don’t know why this is, but there it is. George, in particular, does not like them. They make him nervous, what with their ordinary names, and their vulgar lack of nannies. No, to be honest they will probably never see that £200. George has set it up that way. He can be like that sometimes.”
And the middle classes, the people who might still vote Conservative? We pushed the source on whether their discriminatory tax burden would be addressed. At first there was a funny sound from down the line. We think it was laughing.
Then he said: “If they are our kind of middle class- the kind that outsource the childcare – then they can get the childcare allowance. But if they have a stay at home mother then no. Why would we help them?
“No, we hope to penalise them as much as possible. You see when Dave talks about his nanny being hard-working and wanting to get on because she looks after children, this is because she is paid to do so.
“But if you are a stay at home mum and do exactly the same job looking after your own kids, you are not hard-working. No, no, it is all a bit retro for us, and you know we are trying to modernise.
“George is particularly disdainful. He thinks it is just a lifestyle choice. So those middle-class families, well they can just jump off a cliff as far as we are concerned. They can try their luck with Labour if they want but, I doubt they will get much from them.”
Then the line went dead.