I am about to do something I swore I would never do. Are you ready? Are you comfortable? It seems I owe Left-wing men an apology for pointing out that some scientist somewhere confirmed in the laboratory, using a Bunsen burner and the table of periodic elements, while wearing a white coat and controlling for outside factors, that Left-wing men are weak, or at least weaker when compared with Right-wing men, when it comes to upper-body strength.
Boy oh boy, this did not go down well with the Comrades. I knew for sure I had irked, touched a nerve, caused some emotional pain, when they started sending me photos via Twitter to prove they were not weak. Reports came in that some had taken to safe spaces while hugging their favourite childhood toy. I became gravely concerned that I was going to be sued for intentional infliction of emotional distress.
It occurred to me that many of the Comrades were taking this scientific study a little too seriously. I was merely extrapolating from the study itself – I was not responsible for either its commission or the results.
I also wanted to criticise the spin the boffins themselves put on said study, namely that physically weaker men are being self-sacrificial by being Left-wing, when if we are to think in evolutionary terms it makes sense for them to seek the resources of others as they are less able to gather resources themselves, what with the fragile physique.
The obvious criticism of this is that today physical strength counts for very little, and in fact most of the professional success, the gathering of resources if you will, has been made by the physically weak nerds – which, believe me, I find galling.
In truth, forty years ago the best a maths graduate could hope for was to go into academia and earn about £40,000 pa (in today’s money). These days said graduate could go into banking, computer nerding or whatever it is they do, and earn at least six figures. So, like most studies printed in newspapers, this one was not worth the paper it was written on.
What does delight me, however (apart obviously from the photos), what is so delicious is the fact that the Comrades still value physical strength.
Male physical strength is something to be admired, with general fitness and sporting prowess. So, it seems despite the decades-long feminisation of men, there is life in the old dog yet.
Yes, Left-wing man has been shamed by his feminist sisters, denounced by some as a rabid sexist, scowled at for secretly admiring Page Three (ie being a man), but deep beneath all that socialist nonsense beats the heart of a true hero.
Perhaps all the Momentum men are the real men many conservative women have been looking for? They cannot just tweet but such is their upper-body strength that they will help you up and down the stairs with your pram to boot. Sure, they might be wearing a Tories Out t-shirt over that masculine body, but it is a body to admire. It is a body, dare I say it, that might bring a shade of rouge to one’s conservative cheeks.
So, good for you, Left-wing man. It’s great to know you’re not going down without a fight.