Monday, April 15, 2024
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Laura Perrins: Women must do as they are told. Study science, forget children and earn a lot


We have been talking about the gender pay gap this week at The Conservative Woman. Prime Minister Cameron has declared war on said gap by forcing companies to publish their payroll.

To re-cap, we must remember that for the under-30s in full-time employment, women slightly out earn men. For the under-40s in full-time employment, the gap is zero.

Cameron and journalist Tom Chivers have some ideas on how to close the pay gap that opens up at 40. They are the new Victorians – a bunch of men telling women what to do. The diktats include making more women take STEM (science, technology, engineering and maths)  degrees and expanding childcare.

So let’s cut to the chase ladies. This is how we close the pay gap.

1)   Do a STEM degree.

You want to be a midwife? Tough, it is not paid well. A nurse or a primary school teacher? Don’t be such a loser. Your great passion is English or History? Cameron and Chivers spit in your face. The only way you are doing an arts degree is if you then convert to law and become a commercial lawyer, as these are the best paid.

It is not about what you want, it what about what the new Victorians want. And they want you in STEM.

Great – you are doing STEM a difficult degree. You just about graduated from the course because it was not your passion.

2)   Career – follow the money.

Do not think you can stay in STEM. What really pushes up pay for STEM graduates is that they move into business and consulting. I know many of these graduates – men and women – they made some cash but not from doing any actual engineering. Good for them, this is what they wanted. And it is what you must want too, to please the new Victorians.

The business career you did not really want to do from the degree you were not interested in is going well. You slightly out earn your male counterparts. But you want a family.

3)   Family – avoid men who want to provide.

When thinking about who to marry remember that men who want to provide for their families are jerks so stay well away from these guys.

4)   Children – avoid if possible.

You have married and want some children. To you and me, children are known as children. To the new Victorians Cameron and Chivers, children are career destroyers or gender pay gap exacerbators. So have one if you must. Take your maternity leave if you must but no more. Otherwise – horror upon horror – the amount of money you earn over your lifetime will go down. And we all know that money is all that matters in life.

Congratulations, your baby is in full-time day care from 9 months and you are back in the career you don’t like that much! Do not even think of going part-time or flexi-time unless all the men are also on flexi-time as this will worsen the pay gap and you will mess up the Chivers equal pay graph set out here. Look it is so neat and lovely. In fact there are nine graphs in this piece. Nine! The same age as your baby who must be deposited in daycare.

Pay graphs and the great equality spreadsheet are much more important that your happiness or your baby. So shut up and get back to your full-time job, preferably with overtime.

You ‘move through the ranks of the company’ so Cameron is delighted and all the female journos are happy you are now CEO. Ok, you don’t see your one child enough and you would have liked to have more kids and hell you don’t like your job that much anyway because English is your true passion but not to worry. You have narrowed the gender pay gap (GPG) and for that you should be grateful.

You are on your deathbed. Your life was not quite what you wanted: you never did do that English degree nor had that second child or even spent as much time as you wanted with the one you did have.

But hey, you took your orders from the new Victorians like the obedient little lady you are. So it all worked out well in the end.

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