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Saturday, April 13, 2024
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Learning like cats and dogs

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TCW Defending Freedom has received a press release from the embattled Lye Academy, which has been criticised for its gender identification policies. 

At Lye Academy (Nam stultum educationem) we believe that everyone has a unique gender identity and that students’ preferred pronouns must be used and recorded in ways which affirm that identity. We pride ourselves on the support we give to the gender expression and gender identity of all of those for whom we have pastoral care. Furthermore, the Academy is conscious of the need to take whatever measures are necessary to foster gender identity. 

For example, a section of the library has been converted into a cattery where our feline-identifying students can congregate in a safe space with saucers of milk and engage in typical cat behaviour. Students who excel in their chosen identity will be awarded merit marks. Luna, for example, was given four marks for thoughtfully leaving a dead sparrow at the door of Mr Drabble, the caretaker. However Smudge was reprimanded, and deducted four marks, for scratching Missy and flushing Missy’s whiskers down the toilet.

The kennels are located in what was the boys’ changing room. Our canine students are able to eat their vegan biscuits from their bowls. As part of our commitment to safeguarding, dogs and bitches will be fed at different times. To show respect to other students, canines who soil themselves will be required to spend time in the stream which runs adjacent to the playing fields. In the interest of health and safety, dogs will not be allowed to return to class until they have shaken themselves completely dry.

For those who believe they are horses, the stables are to be found in the erstwhile girls’ changing room. Gallops occur at 8.50 each morning. A voluntary canter is encouraged at lunchtime and optional dressage training is offered on Tuesdays and Thursdays after school. Covid-19 concerns require horses to provide their own nose bags.

The Academy is also proud of the attention that it bestows on individuals who choose identities which go beyond the animal kingdom.

Student ‘B’ is happy identifying as Jupiter (gas/gaseous), the giant gas planet. To encourage Jupiter, gas is allowed two extra portions from our delicious plant-based menu at lunchtime. There is then the option of solitary study to release any surplus gas.

We are delighted to have in our midst student ‘C’, who we believe to be our first mushroom. Typical of the concern we show for our students is the way that ‘C’ is receiving intensive counselling to identify its correct genus. Originally believing to be a stinkhorn (stank/stunk), the student was somewhat shunned by others in the class. Now ‘C’ is veering towards becoming a fly agaric in keeping with the mushroom’s unfortunate acne.

The Lye Academy will not hesitate to report to the appropriate authorities any despicable parent or child who tries to contradict, actively or passively, the school’s gender identification policies.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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