Thursday, May 23, 2024
HomeStatesideLeave us Democrats alone, you British fascists!

Leave us Democrats alone, you British fascists!


Dear British people

I have heard that you foreign fascists are bad-mouthing the Democratic National Convention. Your fascist media have called it disjointedvacuous and pre-recorded. 

I can think of only two possible reasons why you got nasty. One is because Governor Andrew Cuomo called out your ‘European coronavirus’ for killing 32,000 New Yorkers. 

The second reason is that you’re all name-calling fascists.

We progressives only look pre-recorded because we are in touch with our feelings, while you anally-retentive conservatives stutter about facts and due process and common sense. Michelle Obama followed Cuomo with a profound inspiration for all of you: ‘Empathy: that’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately.’ And as Barack Obama said about our current Presidential candidate, ‘empathy, that decency, the belief that everybody counts – that’s who Joe is.’ 

When we progressives are feeling it, we just speak spontaneously – in a television studio. Look at when Barack Obama and Joe Biden spontaneously telephoned supporters, with cameras at both ends, then posted the videos on Twitter. 

Because we progressives share our feelings, we say more profound things: the future is made in America, America should be inclusive, racism is bad, sexism is bad, we should come together. Just look at Joe Biden. He tweets that as president he would unite rather than divide. 

Then you fascists slap us in the face with an accusation of ‘vacuous’! Well, shame on you, British people, because calling us vacuous is as good as saying you disagree that racism and division are bad.

Now look at our Vice-Presidential candidate, Kamala Harris. As she says, she’s both black and brown. And she’s chosen to be both black and brown so other black and brown women can look at her and say, ‘She looks like me.’ 

I dare you to disagree, you racists!

Don’t give me that old cliché that a VP shouldn’t be chosen by race alone. She’s also a woman. As her supporters note, the ONLY reason anybody criticises her is because she’s a woman. 

The Democratic Party has one simple justification for its selection: she has been ‘fighting for women and children’.  And she spent the first half of her Convention speech telling you about great women like her. What more could you want?

Don’t ask about her policies. That would prove you can’t handle her identities.

Anyway, as she said at the Convention, vote for the feelings, then the policies will follow. By the time we have grandchildren, we can tell them not just how we felt, but what we did. That’s how forward-thinking we are.

Similarly, Joe Biden has tweeted about the need for rising, understanding, and building. 

Because if you get the power verbs right, the policies will follow, at some point.

And how can you call us ‘disjointed’ when we all say the same thing? One party, one line. Our conventions are so much smoother now we don’t have delegates actually voting for their nominee. And now it’s all online, we don’t even need delegates.

Just face it, fascists: We progressives are better people than you. That’s why the Democratic National Convention shows Democrat after Democrat recording their heart-warming stories about growing up working-class, female, or coloured. Some of them grew up all three of those things! Vote for them, or you’re a bigot.

Our Presidential candidate’s wife is both a woman and a teacher. Case closed, America! Yeah, okay, she’s white, but she’s inclusive. As she told the convention: ‘You make a nation whole with love and understanding and small acts of kindness.’ 

Joe Biden Tweets that his wife ‘loves fiercely, cares deeply’ and would make a great First Lady.  That’s why you should vote for him! Or you’re sexist. And you’re a hater of loving and caring.

Just face it, fascists: We progressives are smarter than you. As Michelle Obama told the convention: ‘It is what it is.’ And Kamala Harris once tweeted: ‘That’s just a fact.’ 

She also tweeted that ‘We need leaders to lead.’ Why does she need to tweet this? Because it isn’t obvious to conservatives – because they’re stupid. And that’s the same reason Joe Biden tweeted: ‘Trump hasn’t grown into the job because he can’t.’ 

And try to argue with the Democratic Party’s economic policy: ‘Build it back better’.

Go on, try to argue with that!

The stakes are higher than just the economy. As Barack Obama said: ‘Don’t let them take away democracy.’ Them! You know who they are. And you know how they’re taking away democracy. Like wanting to privatise the US Postal Service so it won’t deliver voters’ ballots. 

We progressives are too good to point fingers, but we all know Trump is a jerk. As Joe Biden said recently, Trump is fuelling the fire. I am so proud that Joe fuelled that message. 

Now, I am here to fuel that message for you British people: You should not be fuelling Trump’s fire with criticisms of the Democratic National Convention. You should be fuelling our fire with criticisms of Trump.

I am so proud to have this opportunity to burn your criticism and get you back on track to the sort of unfalsifiable affirmations and unquestioning homogeneity that make us more democratic than you.

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Dick Berk
Dick Berk
Dick Berk is Chancellor of the University of Sunshine Bayside. Dick is also Professor of History. His steadfastness in confronting everything that is wrong about the past earned him tenure without publishing anything, except Tweets (@berk_dick). To read more of Dick Berk’s adventures, see ‘The Dark Side of Sunshine’ by Bruce Oliver Newsome.

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