Scottish ‘education experts’ want to ban school bells because of the ‘distress’ they may cause to pupils.

Sally Cavers, director of the Holyrood-funded learning support service ‘Enquire’, has said that school bells cause “anxiety” and “sensory overload”.

What to replace them with? Suggestions include a flashing light and motivational or classical music intended to relax stressed youngsters. What about those with epilepsy or an irrational fear of Johann Sebastian Bach?

TCW recommends a burst of the bagpipes at full volume. That should keep the tartan troops in line.