MOTHER of God, Cabinet Secretary! Are we no closer to finding C?
Sorry, Prime Minister. C – Chatty Rat – is proving even more elusive than H on Line of Duty.
Well, who’s in the frame, son?
We’ve got some info from a CHIS.
Ah, a Covert Human Intelligence Source?
Er, no, Prime Minister. A Chap Heard In Sainsbury’s. He reckons an OCG is involved.
An Organised Crime Group?
No, an Obnoxious Cummings Guy. We’re going to send an ARU to his house.
That’s the way to do it – an Armed Response Unit!
No, Prime Minister, an Already Reserved Uber. It’ll bring him here to Downing Street.
Right, we’ll get him into the Cabinet Room and have one of those long, intensive interrogation sessions like on Line of Duty. He’ll soon crack.
First we’ll have to set up a DIR.
Yes, a Digital Interview Recorder.
Er, no, Prime Minister. A Dinner In a Restaurant. He’ll be hungry by the time he gets here. It’s part of our instructions from the CPS.
The Crown Prosecution Service?
Not quite, Prime Minister. They’re now called the Criminal Protection Softies.
Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey! Have you any ideas, Carrie?
Yes. Couldn’t we just pull his fingernails out?
Now we’re sucking diesel! Sorry, Carrie, I mean now we’re ingesting responsibly-sourced bio-fuel!