Tuesday, September 28, 2021
HomeCOVID-19Luvvies, I’m livid

Luvvies, I’m livid

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ERASMUS Demosthenes Hepplewhite, known to readers as the ‘Jabbing Actor’, has contacted TCW to express his outrage at the latest government information film to persuade young people to take the Covid-19 ‘vaccine’.

‘OMG! I am livid! I had just returned to my flat after delivering a bumper box of tandoori chicken with chilli sauce and extra poppadoms to a “pinged” obese and ungrateful oaf dressed only in his underpants, when I saw the latest advert for Covid-19 vaccinations on the BBC news.

‘Darling, I could not believe my ears! There was barely a pant to be heard from the hospitalised patient, not the hint of a dry cough nor even the scintilla of a subtle wheeze. The squeaky-voiced young man was even smirking as he recited his lines. I dread to think of what poor dear Dame Judi would be thinking were she to be watching this travesty. Not since hearing Russell Crowe sing in Les Mis have my sensibilities been so affronted.

‘Even before giving Emma her Vegan Go-Cat Extra, I dashed off an email to Equity demanding to know how this young man had been given his card.

‘It was bad enough losing the last role to a man of colour barely half my age whose panting was barely adequate, but . . . but, this was to put it mildly an insult to the profession that is so dear to my heart.

How on earth do the government think they are going to persuade young people of the need to start taking these new experimental drugs when this is the best they can come up with?

‘As dear, dear Sir Ian McKellen said to me one day when he was visiting RADA to present the Donald Sinden Award for the Best Sonorous Voice, “Young man, you seem to know what’s going on around here; be a darling and fetch me a glass of water”.

‘I venture to suggest that it is not hubristic of me to say that, yes, I do know what is going on around here, and I can assure you that Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite remains steadfast, eschewing both fear and favour, in his determination to expose the corruption at the heart of the casting profession.

‘Furthermore, he will remain indomitable and unwavering, until that day comes when he is given his rightful part to play in the glorification of our wonderful NHS!’

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John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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