A HOLLYWOOD blockbuster about to be released will chronicle the efforts of a gallant band of incorruptible public-spirited individuals, who selflessly overcome enormous odds to ensure that the English people remain resilient in their collective battle against a ruthless enemy.
It is 2021, and despite enormous efforts by enforcement agencies, there are still groups who resist Prohibition. A desperate government is forced to assemble a team of misfits to deal with the reprobates . . . prepare to meet The Unflushables.
The movie welcomes a return to the silver screen of the ageing lothario Tony Blair as Head of the Unflushables. Tony is of course best known for Oh! What a Lovely War and Downfall.
In a departure from his usual roles, he plays an incorruptible man of honour who is brought out of obscurity to wage war against those defying Prohibition. As he builds his team of crack agents you will see him pontificating via a variety of media outlets about everything from how to wear a mask to ways to register for a free Covid-19 test.
His chief sidekick is the glamorous Susan Michie. Susan forsook the role of Cruella de Vil to play her part in the movie as the ‘Woman they couldn’t gag’. Ironically, she dons a face mask in all of her scenes, but the steely glint in her piercing eyes is enough to terrorise the most hardened Prohibition rulebreaker.
Piers ‘Motormouth’ Morgan is the agent with the machine-gun mouth. Be amazed as he jets back from the West Indies to call for even tougher measure to crush the enemy. Watch his targets quiver as he lets loose his eloquence and righteous fury with incisive comments such as ‘People who refuse to get jabbed but whine about lockdowns really are a special breed of stupid selfish pr*cks.’
Heartthrob Hilary ‘The Doc’ Jones plays the suave, unruffled member of the team. When fear levels start to drop he can be relied upon to rouse the nation’s matrons to fever pitch with some well-chosen words, winning smiles and blood-curdling statistics.
Christopher Whitty may look to you like an accountant who has just caused his company to become insolvent, but you would be mistaken. Gasp as you see ‘The Prof’, as he is known, make the entire nation crumble by merely displaying a couple of PowerPoint slides. If you thought Jack Nicholson was scary in The Shining, you ain’t seen nothing yet!
Doe-eyed starlet Devi Sridhar has a key role. Her mellifluous American accent is used to great effect to explain to teenagers the joys of playing their part in a wonderful medical experiment. You will remember her in Dracula and Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and as the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
The movie also features young gun Matt Hancock (aka The Stud), the man who makes every woman tremble. In scenes that will stay with you for the rest of your lives, he gropes his way through the corridors of power disregarding the efforts of dull bureaucrats who want to stifle the speedy acquisition of vital equipment. Finally he gets his hands on someone who can give him what he wants, and his gripping, gut-wrenching final scene is guaranteed to leave not a dry eye in the house.
Tubby Boris ‘The Haystack’ Johnson has a cameo role as the indecisive Agency Boss who agonises about the impacts of Prohibition. He is constantly hectored by his young wife about how to dispose of his used masks and abandoned principles.
The Unflushables . . . soon to be on your screens every day, for ever!
Directed by William Gates, The Unflushables is a WEF Production.
All proceeds go to billionaires and oligarchs.