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Saturday, May 25, 2024
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Minister X and a crime against humanity

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THE BBC’s Political Editor is fast garnering a deserved reputation as one of the most incisive and penetrative journalists of his generation. Favourable comparisons with Woodward and Bernstein are already being drawn. His commitment to pursue the ‘big stories’ recently saw him fly over 6,000 miles to ask the Prime Minister about a speeding ticket. TCWDF has been handed a dossier which he is currently working on. For the moment un-broadcast, if proven correct and aired it could rock the foundations of the current Government. We publish it in the interests of holding politicians to account.

I HAVE travelled to West London – Shepherd’s Bush to be precise. I cannot give any more details because I need to protect my source. If his story is true, it could have profound ramifications across the political spectrum.

I am in a nondescript street of the pre-war terrace houses that proliferate here. The area is not poor, but it could certainly do with some money spent on it. I knock on the door at the agreed time and am greeted by a clearly worried individual. He glances up and down the street to make sure I haven’t been followed. Satisfied, he ushers me in.

We sit in his front room; the curtains are drawn, and he asks that I remove my shirt to check for hidden listening devices. He has an important story to tell, and precautions are necessary.

Once satisfied, he relaxes a little and informs me that he is going to reveal details of a crime committed by a serving member of Rishi Sunak’s Cabinet. A crime he tells me that will make Suella Braverman’s speeding contretemps seem, well, like a speeding ticket.

I am keen to get to the heart of the allegation and start by asking if he is prepared to reveal the name of the minister involved.

‘I won’t name him directly, but from the car’s number plate you will know exactly who I am talking about. The plate read ID 10T1.’

I rack my brains over who this could be, but there are too many possibilities. I ask for more information on the crime itself.

‘Well, the thing is this, you have probably noticed that there is both residents’ parking outside as well as some two-hour permitted parking spaces. These are there for a reason, but what I saw was quite astonishing. This car draws up and parks quite openly in the two-hour bay, nothing wrong in that at all. However, there is a ‘no return within one hour’ rule to stop people driving round the block and parking again. But, this is the point, he left after two hours but returned after 45 minutes and parked in the same spot again.’

I ask if he could be mistaken.

‘Absolutely not, he was as bold as brass. He got out of his car as though he didn’t have a care in the world. Just closed the door after himself and strolled off as though he had done nothing wrong. I recognised him immediately as he has been on Question Time before. I mean we have seen a lot of crime around here recently, stabbings, burglaries, and the like, but this, well it was just so upsetting. The sheer brazenness was the thing that was so troubling.’

I realise this revelation is political dynamite. I have an inkling as to who the minister is; if I can make it stand up, it will be the scoop to end all scoops. Sadly, my informant has no photographic evidence which would allow me to ambush the culprit when he walks up Downing Street. ‘Minister, will you resign?’ has become my trademark call – often imitated, never bettered.

I get up to leave and thank my contact for his invaluable information. I have also heard on good authority that Jacob Rees-Mogg was seen cycling at dusk without lights. This paints a disturbing picture of a culture of wrongdoing which will form part of a larger exposé of criminality in the upper echelons of Westminster. As I make my way to the Tube station, I spot Grant Shapps dropping a crisp packet on the pavement.

GOTCHA!

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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