OPENING the meeting, the Chairperson said: ‘This has been our best year ever. Our work is now being internationally recognised. Snitching began as a spectator sport, but it has come to be recognised as a Valuable Duty to the Community. Some of our members have already incurred the sorts of dangers that sadly face all of us who work selflessly for the Good of the People. Just before Christmas, Marigold Maggot was showered with a bucket of urine after successfully bringing about a prosecution following a blatant non-mask wearing episode at a supermarket. We are glad to say it has not quenched her zeal for Basic Decency.
‘Some members of our society had found it concerning that after the invention of a Second Wave there might be no further lockdowns and that Pandemic Snitching would come to an end. We are therefore delighted by the government and media’s creation of a new super-spreading mutation of the deadly coronavirus. We especially commend the BBC (whose generous termination of free TV licences for over-75s has already been widely praised) and other Responsible Media for ensuring that the public is more afraid of the Coronavirus than ever before.
‘We also praise our government for acting so promptly against this potential disaster by enforcing ever stricter mask-wearing rules, by preventing travel, reunions and joy during Christmas, and by instituting Hierarchically Engineered Local Lockdowns (HELL) informally named the Tier System. However, we are fervently hoping that the return of Full Lockdown will last at least all of 2021!
‘Let me finish by mentioning just a couple of our recent successes before I open the meeting to discussion.
‘Nicolas Noxic reports that he found no fewer than four people together, not of the same Family and Support Bubble, failing to socially distance. Fortunately, there was a Responsible Law Officer not far away, and fines incurring a total of £800 were imposed on the offenders. Great work, Nicky!
‘Molly Malodour happened to notice that members of five house bubbles came to her neighbour’s house. She had been diligently watching from behind her curtain for nine hours, during which time she bravely overcame arthritic pain in the fingers of her left hand. She scores 20 points for having brought in Responsible Authorities to close the party and achieve a total of £2,700 in fines as well as six days in jail for one of the Criminals. He used Culturally Inappropriate Language when referring to whoever had snitched. Thankfully, nobody snitched on Molly, who accordingly retains full use of her limbs.
‘I now declare this meeting open to anyone who wishes to contribute.’
Earnest Whimper said: ‘An Amazon deliverer came to my door. He was not wearing a mask. He was not wearing Hygienically Approved gloves. Rang my doorbell without using a hand sanitiser. When I opened the door to him he did not observe Social Distance. He just rudely stuffed the delivery into my hands! We felt so violated! I felt he had undone months while the wife and I were Self-Isolating when not on Informing Duty for the Protection of the Public. We phoned his boss.’
The Chairperson reported that she had followed up and learned that thanks to the Whimpers’ courageous initiative, the messenger, a youth of nineteen who had spent many years in foster homes and Institutes at Public Expense, had been fired, and in view of the Economy Being Corrected Due To The Covid Emergency, will probably never find another job for the rest of his life. The Society has awarded Earnest and Maggie Whimper 50 points each for their noble response to this dangerous offender.
There was great applause and Earnest smiled modestly.
Olivia Obnoxious reported she had come across a commendable instance of Creative Snitching.
She said: ‘A lot of people don’t sufficiently understand the danger of anti-vaccination terrorists. My friend Wendy Winkle went in plain clothes to a Lockdown Protest. She disguised herself by not wearing her designer mini-mask. She listened to a man who was saying that the Pharmacy Companies were being allowed to sell Covid-19 vaccines without any fear of being prosecuted if their product kills its recipients or turns them into vegetables. He was not wearing a mask. At least twenty people were listening without maintaining Social Distancing. She took Appropriate Social Shaming Pictures and called over a policeman who was being paid to Protect the Public by Observing from the Sidelines. I have to say he was not as grateful as he ought to have been and called Wendy a name I won’t repeat here.’
The Chairperson said this was duly noted and that she would be reporting the policeman’s behaviour to his Responsible Superiors.
She said there was time for one more testimonial.
Norbert Nasty, while still living in Tier Two, said he had been doing his usual tour of pubs and restaurants. He was grieved and had found it concerning that many of them were insufficiently zealous and responsible in implementing Track and Trace procedures. The Society has awarded him 30 points for his work in getting six places of drink and food service shut down. One pub was so close to bankruptcy that it will never reopen!
Massive applause followed this instance of heroic Public Benefaction.
The meeting closed with the announcement that certain responsible and laudable labour unions may yet succeed in getting all schools closed down despite recent government weaknesses in this matter. The National Society of Snitches has been widely praised for its tireless advocacy of heavy fines and prison sentences for parents who jeopardise the unions’ work by giving unlicensed lessons to innocent children.
The Chairperson concluded that the National Society’s initiatives might be rewarded by forcing many pubs, restaurants, libraries, private schools and small businesses to close down, perhaps for ever, since parents obliged to stay at home with their children will not be able to return to the work force.
The meeting wound up with a standing ovation for the selfless efforts of all members who had achieved convictions against their neighbours, facilitated the closure of pubs, small businesses or churches, or had caused a selfish anti-lockdown Hate Speaker to commit suicide.
(I hope you will feel encouraged to join your local Snitching Society. I’m sorry to say there’s still a lot of happiness out there. An end should be put to it.)