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Modern must-haves – your indispensable consumer guide


WITH spring around the corner, it may be time to cheer yourselves up with some retail therapy. TCW has scoured the internet for products that may bring some enrichment and joy to your lives . . .

KhanKard: To prove to the powers-that-be that you have not had any Islamophobic thoughts, it is highly recommended that you carry a KhanKard. The card shows a picture of smiling London Mayor Sadiq Khan on one side and a Palestinian flag on the other. When approached by a member of the Metropolitan Police take out your KhanKard and you will be able to proceed, unmolested, about your lawful business. The more expensive Musical KhanKard plays a version of From the River to the Sea, by the Hamas Male Voice Choir. The card fits easily in a wallet or purse.

Gazeblocker: Designed by boffins using Artificial Intelligence, the attractive Gazeblocker face-covering is essential for all people of colour. When viewed by a racist (i.e. white person) the revolutionary technology embedded in the Gazeblocker will immediately trigger a migraine in the gawping racist. People of colour will then feel comfortable in their everyday activities such as attending the theatre and roaming the countryside.

The Ministry of Defence: In its sensational Spring Sale, the MoD is offering two nearly new and rarely used aircraft carriers for the price of one! This deal will be of particular interest to all budding naval superpowers. The ships need some minor repairs but come complete with a variety of Pride flags and comply with the latest guidelines for eco-friendly naval warfare. The owners will consider offers from tech billionaires who want an eye-catching yacht, and from those who might wish to convert the carriers into floating hotels offering several Pickleball courts.

The Raine Game: A card game for all the family based on the popular television series Call My Bluff. A player is chosen to be ‘The Raine’. He or she must then persuade the other players that four medical treatments are safe and effective. The other players have to decide which, if any, of the explanations are true. If the guesses are incorrect ‘The Raine’ wins the kitty and the players are given unpleasant forfeits. The Raine Game is selling out fast and may soon be discontinued.

Rayner’s Guide to Capital Gains Tax: With forewords from the Trilateral Commission’s Keir Starmer and Bilderberger David Lammy, this simple guide to Capital Gains Tax on property is essential reading for all tax accountants. The future deputy Prime Minister explains in words of no more than two syllables the ins and outs of this troublesome tax. The Guide was the Guardian’s top finance book recommendation for 2023.

HarryGuard: If, like the Duke of Sussex, you have been denied police protection, why not purchase a HarryGuard? These blow-up security personnel are designed to sit menacingly in the passenger seat of your car to deter any would-be assailants or assassins. The standard HarryGuard is of shaven-headed Slavic appearance but for a small extra charge is available as Gurkha, Mafioso, Mexican bandit or Hottentot. It comes complete with a pump.

The Beatles: If you thought Now and Then was the last release from the Fab Four archives, think again! All true fans will want a copy of their latest offering, Never Let it Be. Tracks include Paul revving up his Aston Martin, John yawning ostentatiously, Ringo noisily eating a packet of cheese-and-onion crisps, and George having a sneezing fit. Bonus tracks on the vinyl version include George Martin closing the lid on a piano, Paul’s cousin Donald reading the lyrics of Mull of Kintyre in Gaelic, and the receptionist at Abbey Road ordering some kebabs for the boys.

MiniFib: For all those worried about the billions of mRNA spike protein nanoparticles zipping and zapping around their body, the MiniFib is the perfect solution for a good night’s sleep. After finishing your late-night cocoa, simply strap the MiniFib around your chest and connect the electrodes to your heart, wrists and temple. In the event of cardiac arrest the MiniFib will burst into action and give you a 50 per cent chance of survival. It is available in a variety of cheerful colours and has an alarm function.

John Lewis Partnership: Buy now! Everything must go!

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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