THE outbreak of monkeypox requires urgent action by the NHS Information and Propaganda Unit. Once again there is a call for crisis actors to instil in the population the need for fear and vigilance. Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite, known as the Jabbing Actor for his heroic work in the Covid scaremongering sector, tells TCW Defending Freedom of his latest call to arms.
It had been a busy week. I spent most of my time delivering borani banjans and khoresh gheymehs to a four-star hotel in Richmond that has been requisitioned by the Home Office to accommodate young men from Afghanistan and Iran. I must say it was a relief to receive the call from my agent, Irene, asking me to an audition.
I have long been aware that the path to the pantheon of the acting profession is rocky and often tortuous. On occasion one quaffs champagne with Dionysus; on others one scrambles for husks amidst the Gadarene swine. However, I have no hesitation in claiming for Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite the Mantle of Elijah in the exacting and burgeoning field of crisis acting.
The role in question was demanded by the alarming rise in cases of monkeypox which seems to be spreading in countries which had vaccinated the majority of their population against Covid-19. I am told that the symptoms of this new virus are bulbous spots accompanied by a craving for bananas.
It came as no surprise to be asked to this audition. The producer almost certainly had in mind my bravura performance as Kwei, a follower of Caesar, in War for the Planet of the Apes. Kwei had a non-grunting role but his pitiful demeanour in the final distressing scene clearly left a profound impression on the viewer.
On arrival at the studio, it was something of a surprise to find that the director was interested only in filming one’s arm. The make-up artist, Jacinta, expertly covered my right arm in unsightly plastic spots and I was required to move it in a way that indicated pathos, discomfort and alarm.
I have little doubt that I will be offered the part. The limb in question has featured heavily in previous roles such as when it smote a rebel in Braveheart, when it was raised in righteous anger in Peterloo, and when it opened the door for an eternally grateful Keira Knightley in my role as a foot servant in Pride and Prejudice. As the wonderful darling Dame Judi, who played Lady Catherine de Bourgh, said at the time, ‘Dear boy, your timing was perfect. Do fetch me a couple of fondant fancies. This corset’s killing me.’
One can only hope that the monkeypox outbreak is forestalled by my performance, but should it persist Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite stands ready to allow other parts of his body to be pustulated to prevent this mild disease from ravaging the citizenry.