Wednesday, May 12, 2021
HomeNewsMove the goalposts and win a tuck-box of tofu twizzlers!

Move the goalposts and win a tuck-box of tofu twizzlers!

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A busy few weeks at The BoJo Academy have seen school societies getting back to work. An update from the front line … 

Screen Time

The Film Society has been in communication to advise that the proposed showing of The Andromeda Strain has been postponed indefinitely after staff expressed misgivings about its suitability.  

Pupils took part in an online survey and they have requested a back-to-back screening of Cool Hand Luke and Prison Break. This will go ahead, observing The Headmaster’s proviso that the gymnasium’s vaulting horse is kept firmly under ‘lock and key’. 

Sports Society News

It has long been known that The Headmaster wished the school had an idiosyncratic team game to rival his alma mater’s Wall Game – well, wish no more!

During lockdown, Head of Geography Mr Hancock has devised a new game which will be played for the first time on Sports Day. Simply called ‘Moving the goalposts’ it promises to be keenly contested and is open to all Houses. 

At first glance, the rules look deceptively simple, with players required to keep two metres apart on the pitch and wear matching socks and face masks in their House colours.  

However, as Mr Hancock explains: ‘I suggest that all players familiarise themselves with the concise 623-page rule booklet which is lodged in the library. There will be no leniency for not understanding some of the finer points of play such as “forming a bubble”, the tricky “rule of six” and the ingenious “traffic light” system. On top of this, there are punishments for rule infringement such as “quarantine corner” and for serious transgressions “detention and pocket money deductions”.’  

Mrs Headmaster has kindly played a pivotal role in the background – designing the new kit and prizes. Functional and practical, the polo-style shirt is made from Burmese Lotus Flower Silk exquisitely trimmed with beaded guipure lace, finished with satin stitch embroidery and sequins. 

To the victors the spoils – and first prize comes in the form of a carbon-neutral ‘tuck-box treat’ for the winning team. This hamper will contain a cornucopia of mouthwatering plant-based delights, such as tofu twizzlers, kale curly-wurlys and dandelion doughnuts – scrumptious! 

Amateur Dramatics

In a unique collaboration, the Drama Society has teamed up with the school choir and will be presenting Fiddler on the Roof later this term.  

Everyone is tremendously excited about this production, not least because former Headmaster Mr Cameron has agreed to make a cameo appearance as Tevye singing the iconic If I Were a Rich Man. Parents will need to book tickets well in advance for this ‘one-off’! 

Cookery Club update

Our indefatigable domestic science teacher Mrs Patel suggested at a recent meeting that it would benefit all pupils if the school were to organise a culinary challenge along the lines of the popular television show MasterChef.  

The staff were broadly in agreement, but Head of Gender Studies Mr Strange was quick to point out the colonial and patriarchal problems with ‘Master’ and the two middle letters of Chef. 

After much toing and froing, it was finally agreed that the competition would simply be called C’F and pronounced Coff, which sharp-witted Mr Shakespeare – who runs the school’s Scrabble Society – pointed out is a 13-score word meaning the offal of pilchards.  

Whilst entries are not yet open, word reaches us that Senior Prefect Kwarteng K has already been practising his chargrilled broccoli pasta bake in anticipation of throwing his hat in the ring! 

Out and about

There has been a resurgence of unwarranted and offensive graffiti on a number of surfaces. The theme seemingly questions the new curriculum and the direction The Headmaster is taking the school. Slogans such as ‘Build back better … my ars*’, ‘It’s all a sh*t show’ and ‘We’re doomed’ have no place in the BoJo Academy. 

Fortunately, following a substantial endowment from our partner Academy in Beijing, we have been able to complete construction of the Tang Dynasty Detention Centre.  

This state of the art facility will be where the pupils found guilty of defacing school property are swiftly sent. There they will have ample time to reflect on their thoughtlessness and disobedience.  

Finally, rumours of The Headmaster’s probity (circulated by the former Head of Woodwork Mr Cummings) should be ignored. He is clearly driven by malice following his summary dismissal last term. 

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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