THIS is a letter I have sent to Tim Davie, the new director-general of the BBC, though I very much doubt if he’ll see it or care:
Hope you’re well.
I love the BBC and I pray you won’t let it die. It belongs to all of us and it was once a source of national pride and unity.
Obviously, these days it’s as lazy and flabby as Stewart Lee, as ugly as Frankie Boyle and as snobbish as the Oxbridge intake system.
But please don’t kill the BBC. Please will you try and restore it to its former glory?
Here’s one way you could save money: don’t pay fortunes to orthodox Left-wing comedians (and their agents). They are incredibly divisive and constantly frighten ethnic minorities by telling them that at least half the nation doesn’t like them. They have no right to say this and they only do so to make themselves look good by comparison. Personally I think this is awful. But if you must employ these Type II racists, at least pay them the cheap rates that their cheap cynicism deserves.
Their gags are so predictable you could get an automaton to write them.
The only variables are [WHEN] did Donald Trump say something?
And [WHAT] is the nearest Hitler comparison?
INSERT canned laughter.
You could save a fortune by automating this! Then use the saved money by talking to normal people. Or find nice comedians who are not narcissists. Or even people that want to make people laugh by making observations about our shared experiences. And want to make people happy.
Would you consider that?
Come on, please!
Thanks for listening.