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My plastic-munching plan to end poverty


ARE you worried that there seem to be more parties than policies at the moment?

The EUnuchs don’t seem to have any positive ideas.

Neither does the Brexit Party offer any exciting suggestions for what we do once we’ve migrated from Merkelstan.

Since I’m buggered if I know who to vote for any more, maybe it’s time to set up a business selling people pleasing ideas.

My friend from Militant Tendency used to call these ‘bread and circuses’, as if engaging the public was a terrible thing.

Surely there’s a gap in the market for some popular initiatives. We could devise them and sell them to the highest bidder.

Young people are reportedly passionate about the environment, global warming and poverty. Since these are people with proven levels of credulity, surely their good intentions could be channeled into positivity rather than protests. How about testing this market with a few policies?

Here’s a plan to end poverty and pollution and boost pocket money.

Currently, the UK spends £6billion on running a fleet of lorries to collect waste plastics.

A British company, myheru,com, makes a home pyrolysis machine that turns household plastics back into their source ingredients, namely petrocarbons.

In other words, it alleviates three major problems. It takes recycling lorries off the road. It gives us new fuel-supply options. And, best of all, it tackles plastic pollution.

Triple whammy! It cuts council tax, relieves congestion and saves the planet. That would stimulate economies at home and aid them overseas. Surely there’s something there for every generation of voters.

But there’s a problem. Heru’s home pyrolysis machines cost around £20,000. You have to be from a pretty smart home to buy one and the editor of the Financial Times’s How to Spend It supplement wasn’t answering my emails, so I don’t think any of the Poser Nostra or the Condescentii will put their money where their mouth is.

Having said that, the personal computer was just as expensive at first. Eventually though, the economic multipliers of mass demand and mass production made the PC an affordable commodity.

So we need to make these Home Plastic Munching Petrol Passing machines a mass-market product. Here’s where young people could be used to stimulate demand. Their passion could be channeled to raise the money for, say, every school to purchase one of these machines. Or to badger all the supermarkets and packing users to invest in them.

Having said that, the youth of our nation might lose interest in green issues once the campaigning gets boring.

As I discovered with our cockapoo, a puppy might not be ‘just for Christmas’ but, once the excitement has died down, it’s the grown-ups who end up taking it to the park for the rest of its useful life.

So a Plan B is needed. Here’s where popular policies for both overseas aid and climate change could be created.

Instead of giving an open cheque for £36billion of overseas aid to Dr Embezzler and President Youbungme, why not buy developing countries a fleet of pyrolysis machines? This would give them a method of tackling their plastic pollution and a source of fuel and it would create jobs for the very people who should be getting the aid, the underprivileged workers of those nations.

This could stimulate our domestic manufacturers too, boosting our green economy infinitely more than a lifetime of hot air from Caroline Lucas.

Any takers for this policy? All criticism, condemnation and comments would be welcome in the peer review boxes below.

OK, this idea may have its faults, but at least it’s a positive. Leave all the ugliness to the fear fakers, snow flakers and milk shakers.

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Nick Booth
Nick Booth
Nick Booth is a freelance writer.

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